Jena's Journal.

[MissJenaKay]

Actually I thought you looked beautiful in the photo, no really, I thought you actually looked quite striking .

You on crack?? Lol.

In reality, if you want to stay positive, don't look for the little faults.

I don't look for the faults on purpose.... I just happen to notice one and then it just kinda gets out of control.

Oh yeah and short hair actually works on you. Not necessarily how you wanted it to know, but there's still a lot you can do with short anyway if you're female. It's all about imagination.

I don't have a lot of imagination when it comes to short hair... Especially since I hate forehead and ears being uncovered. Lol.

Today's Totals.

Calories - 1426
Exercise - 257
Net Calories - 1169
Fat - 33
Carbs - 176
Fibre - 10
Sugar - 62
Protein - 99
Sodium - 2072

[MissJenaKay]

Kinda phoned in workout this morning, I cut it short because I was starting to feel nauseous. I'll try to toss in another workout later, but that's depending on how I feel. I've also come to the conclusion that I hate new haircut when it comes to working out. It's not long enough to get it all off neck and out of face when I put it up, so then I end up having to use tons of bobby pins which leads to giving me headaches, I don't know why the bobby pins give me a headache, but they do.. :/ Oh well, I'll see what I can do to get more of a workout later this evening.

[feelin-great]

Actually I thought you looked beautiful in the photo, no really, I thought you actually looked quite striking .

You on crack?? Lol.

I happen to agree with Boss Man - you don't see yourself the way others do. I think he used a great word - you really are striking

[MissJenaKay]

Actually I thought you looked beautiful in the photo, no really, I thought you actually looked quite striking .

You on crack?? Lol.

I happen to agree with Boss Man - you don't see yourself the way others do. I think he used a great word - you really are striking

If that's what you want to think, you may think that. I personally disagree, but you're allowed to have your opinion.

[Boss Man]

That's good of you to let us crack heads have an opinion

Not sure about the pins in your hair giving you headaches, because unless you've been using them like acupuncture needles and actually sticking them in your head, then I'm a little stumped.

[MissJenaKay]

That's good of you to let us crack heads have an opinion

Not sure about the pins in your hair giving you headaches, because unless you've been using them like acupuncture needles and actually sticking them in your head, then I'm a little stumped.

You know, most people wouldn't let you crackies have your opinions. Lol.
Haha, I think it's because each one puls a little little and so when there's a bunch I end up up with a headache from hair being pulled.

Update for the day: Today was an absolutely horrible day, didn't exercise hard or long enough, ate well, but ended up crying for a good two hours and ended up slipping into bad habit so I'm disappointed by that. I've got a lot of stuff being thrown at me all at once and I'm not sure how to handle it. Also discovered today that I don't really know who I am. I've spent all time in life trying so hard to be what people wanted from me that I don't know who I am. The only thing I know that IS me that I'm an artist. It's the only thing that I've kept as own through all these years. Speaking of art, after a particulary rough time today, I retreated to room with a moleskine and some fineliners. I decided that for something new I would draw only using the fineliners so every mark would have to be incorporated unless I wanted it to look like a mistake. I came up with this. I guess you could say it kinda plays out identity issue at the moment. I didn't mean for it to really do that, but I guess it makes sense. They say that when you draw without an aim, your mind works itself out on the paper. There are a couple mistakes I had to deal with (originally the mask was plain white but I have a habit of dropping liner I guess....) so those are a little more intentional, but meh. I'm not pleased with it, but it was a good way to just escape the world for a while.

Today's Totals

Calories - 1420
Exercise - 176
Net Calories - 1244
Fat - 39
Carbs - 155
Fibre - 10
Sugar - 51
Protein - 107
Sodium - 2305

[MissJenaKay]

Woke up really late today (11:30am) as opposed to usual 9... I think I'm going to take things a little different today. I usually try to have workout done by 12 so even if I wake up at 10 I'll eat and then workout at 11, but today, I'm going to space it out a little after I ended up nauseous working out yesterday. Since I woke up a little late yesterday as well, I ate and then immediately worked out and I don't think tummy liked that so I'm going to give it two hours before I work out. Then post-workout meal will be 3 hours after breakfast which spaces things out perfectly for me. c: I think I might weigh myself today again considering this week, on weigh-in day I was menstrual so I may have been bloated or something . Lol. Sorry if that is TMI. Anywho, I'm feeling better today because after meltdown yesterday, I went on a chat on an art site that I haven't been on in forever and ended up talking for a very long time to a sweet boy from Manchester. Haha, it was quite nice. Still not feeling a hundred percent considering a lot of stuff went down yesterday, but I'll get through this I guess.

[fitoverforty]

They say that when you draw without an aim, your mind works itself out on the paper

I think it is brilliant. Beautiful. And I think it captures perfectly the emotions and feelings you have been working through lately. I love it. It is a gift to be able to draw, but it is a true talent that can transfer thoughts and emotion to paper and bring the viewer into their world of feelings and experience.
I wrote something once to describe art & the feeling I want others to experience when they view it, it went something like this: "look past the obvious - see beyond the visual" Your work does just that.

The only thing I know that IS me that I'm an artist. It's the only thing that I've kept as own through all these years.

Yes you are. Hold on to that. I understand what you are saying, there has been so much happen in life, and I've lost way, many times - but i always had art and poetry to hold onto, one thing that I could count on to remind me of who I am. It will serve you well your entire life.

[MissJenaKay]

Thanks, Lynne. I may go immerse myself in drawing again today as it, so far has been just as turbulent as yesterday. I guess it is true that depression is a great learning tool for artists. When I'm depressed I draw SO much more than when I'm feeling okay.

In workout related news, since brother would not let me use our TV in the livingroom, I tried working out using DDR stuff in bedroom. I discovered that floors are not good for jumping and fast steps in room, I knocked three things of dresser with bouncing.... Then when I went to pick everything up, I cracked the plastic in one of poster frames. I now must convince mother to buy me a new poster frame... *groan* Not having a good week this week. And This is lasst weekend at home. A week from right now, I'll be in Chicago, likely picking up UPass for school.

[Boss Man]

You're a supreme talent Jena .

I can see how that picture externalises what you feel and I know you'd probably feel about your art, the way you do about your studies and feel negatively of anything that doesn't meet a pre-defined standard, but you're capable of something many aren't.

What you could do to follow up on that, is now that you have picture that describes the differing emotions you display at various times, why not do one that describes the emotions you want to feel in the future?

Maybe it would show a person who is more happy, or perhaps still questioning the world from a good perspective.

Maybe if you discover the person you think you could be, by drawing / creating her, it might make you more able to want that inner self more, and make the pursuit of her, a strong and continued focus in your life, just like your studies are .

[MissJenaKay]

You're a supreme talent Jena .

I can see how that picture externalises what you feel and I know you'd probably feel about your art, the way you do about your studies and feel negatively of anything that doesn't meet a pre-defined standard, but you're capable of something many aren't.

What you could do to follow up on that, is now that you have picture that describes the differing emotions you display at various times, why not do one that describes the emotions you want to feel in the future?

Maybe it would show a person who is more happy, or perhaps still questioning the world from a good perspective.

Maybe if you discover the person you think you could be, by drawing / creating her, it might make you more able to want that inner self more, and make the pursuit of her, a strong and continued focus in your life, just like your studies are .

Thanks, Boss, I might try that, it's just that the idea I've got for it may be beyond skill set at this point in time. I'll see if I can swing it though. We'll see what happens, okay?

Today's Totals
Calories - 1045
Exercise - 220
Net Calories - 825
Fat - 27
Carbs - 113
Fibre - 8
Sugar - 51
Protein - 88
Sodium - 1145

Tomorrow I will likely not eat well. I will try, but since it's last weekend at home, grandmother and grandfather are going to take us out to dinner. I will try to make sure that I get up and workout and whatnot. I'm also going to do a weigh-in, I've decided that I'm going to weigh on Saturdays and Wednesdays if possible. I'm pretty sure that that won't be possible at school since I have morning classes on Wednesdays. But we'll see what happens once I get there. I'm just going to focus on making the next week a good one.

[MissJenaKay]

I feel on top of the world right now! I weighed myself this morning (admittedly I forgot and ate breakfast first) HOWEVER, I've lost 1.5 pounds since Wednesday! c: Which means running total is now up to 8.3 pounds. c: c: I worked out today, but I couldn't work out long since I didn't know when grandparents are showing up (they're still not here actually) and I needed to take a shower. So I put in a hard ten minutes. c: I'm so happy to see the numbers finally starting to progressively go in the right direction. I hope today stays just as happy as it is right now. c:

[Boss Man]

WELL DONE, I am really proud of you .

Keep pushing and keep believing.

[musculArgirl2]

Doing great Jena!! You definitely should be proud of yourself! Hope you had a nice time with the grandparents.

[MissJenaKay]

Hello, all, didn't have a chance to update yesterday and I've been doing a lot of cleaning today, so I still didn't get a chance to update until now. Yesterday was good, we went to Olive Garden and I got favorite meal from there: Steak Gorgonzola Alfredo it's absolutely delightful. I ate a little more than I wated to, but not bad. c:

Yesterday's Totals

Calories - 1785
Exercise - 128
Net Calories - 1657
Fat - 48
Carbs - 227 (I blame the pasta, haha)
Fibre - 7
Sugar - 111
Protein - 95
Sodium - 1575

Today was bittersweet, I did a lot of cleaning which always makes me feel good, but it was as I was packing to go to school and I think I might miss home a little. I'm not entirely sure though. I'm also scared that I might not be able to keep up weightloss, which would make me sad. However, I've found a piece of clothing in closet that I can use as a motivator for weightloss. It's a "little" black dress with a pink satin ribbon around the waist and black tulle with pink ribbon trim on the edge for an underskirt. The dress fits, but it doesn't fit perfectly since hips and lower waist are a little too big, also, I refuse to wear it because I can't wear a bra with it and I refuse to let people see legs. So I want to work to be able to actually wear that dress and feel relatively comfortable in it. c:

I'll post today's totals a little later as I have one more meal I need to eat and I'm not sure what I'm going to have.