Jena's Journal.

[scottgaran]

When things get bad, try to think of the good things in your life. For instance, you are working out, and there are some that can't even do that because of physical injuries etc. I have to do the same thing, having been diagnosed with depression and PTSD because of things that happened on the job as a detective. Also, I have had to change things myself, because physically I am kind of beat up having been hit with a car twice in career. Still, I try to think positive. I have started P90X again, but have had to eliminate the plyo disc because knees won't take it, but I just add in Kenpo X instead. I have learned to do the best I can with what I have. I truely understand how you feel, because I sometimes feel the way you do, but hang in there, it WILL get better. Keep training hard!
Scott

[Boss Man]

You need to remember your own self worth and value.

I've always known that you had a lot of both for a long time, but you've never seen it the way others have.

You will one day soon, but you need to think more positively about yourself and your life. There are people in other countries that have it a lot worse than you are, so you could feel badly for yourself, but how badly could you feel when it might start to look a bit selfish and over indulgent.

You're a good person Jena, so hang on in there and don't let yourself become a victim to your own emotions, because you're better than that and because you don't need ot be looking negatively at a lot of stuff.

Many things have a positive angle and you're smart enough to work out what those angles are.

GOOD LUCK.

[MissJenaKay]

When things get bad, try to think of the good things in your life. For instance, you are working out, and there are some that can't even do that because of physical injuries etc. I have to do the same thing, having been diagnosed with depression and PTSD because of things that happened on the job as a detective. Also, I have had to change things myself, because physically I am kind of beat up having been hit with a car twice in career. Still, I try to think positive. I have started P90X again, but have had to eliminate the plyo disc because knees won't take it, but I just add in Kenpo X instead. I have learned to do the best I can with what I have. I truely understand how you feel, because I sometimes feel the way you do, but hang in there, it WILL get better. Keep training hard!
Scott

I'm sorry if this comes across as me being a brat, but you don't know how I feel. Working out doesn't make me feel good, it just reminds me that I'm not any good at it and that I'm a fatass and that I'm not seeing any results because I've slipped back into not eating enough. I don't even try to think positive anymore, I never find any positive things to think of other than, "Well, I'm not a parapelegic" or "I don't have cancer" or "I'm relatively intelligent." I appreciate you trying to help cheer me up, but right now, I don't think anything will work. Even painting, which normally makes me giddy, has done nothing to take the edge off the events of today. I want to scream, I want to cry, and I want to slice the hell out of arms, but I will do none of those things. They won't help the problem, they'll only make me feel better and why waste time if it won't what's wrong?

You need to remember your own self worth and value.

I've always known that you had a lot of both for a long time, but you've never seen it the way others have.

I was reminded today that I have no value.

You will one day soon, but you need to think more positively about yourself and your life. There are people in other countries that have it a lot worse than you are, so you could feel badly for yourself, but how badly could you feel when it might start to look a bit selfish and over indulgent.

I'm really sick of people telling me to cheer up because I have it a lot better than the starving children in Africa or the victims of a recent natural disaster or whatever. Thinking of their misery does not make me feel better about own, it makes me feel bad that there's nothing I can do to help anyone.

You're a good person Jena, so hang on in there and don't let yourself become a victim to your own emotions, because you're better than that and because you don't need to be looking negatively at a lot of stuff.

Many things have a positive angle and you're smart enough to work out what those angles are.

There is no positive angle on today, I was woken at 3:30 am by roommate having in her bed which is only about four feet from me, the only two people I would be able to consider friends here at DePaul told me that I have problems and they can't handle me anymore and that I am not going to be hanging out with them anymore, talking to them anymore, chatting online with them anymore, getting dinner with them anymore, or anything or the sort because I'm too much of a stressful issue for them. I then had a therapist appointment that helped none other than to make me think about the problem more, then I was made to meet with the residence director of building and she made me have to think about the stuff again, then I talked to mom who told me that I should go to a school closer to home because she worries about me, which she doesn't understand that I don't want to go to school closer to home. Nothing has gone well today. I've had no one to be around to distract me from thoughts and feelings. I want to die. I want to go to bed tonight and not wake up in the morning. Being alone is hugest fear. I hate being alone more than I hate anything else in this world. The only possible positive about today is that now I have no one to worry about but myself, but I hate having to think about myself so it's not much of a positive.

GOOD LUCK.

God certainly knows that I need it.

[scottgaran]

I didn't want to upset you, just trying to help!

[MissJenaKay]

I didn't want to upset you, just trying to help!

You didn't upset me. I just can't be helped right now.

[scottgaran]

Got it.

[fit-fanatic-2025]

but you don't know how I feel

I think we probably do know how you feel Jena maybe different circumstances but a lot of things we can relate too. i think a lot of us can relate to your feelings. a lot of us have gone through difficult times too.

[MissJenaKay]

but you don't know how I feel

I think we probably do know how you feel Jena maybe different circumstances but a lot of things we can relate too. When i was 18, i went to a private expensive college, i suffered from depression when i was 17 and wasn't ready for school socially. But i didn't have the guidance really from anyone. I was on own. In the dorms, i didn't fit in, i would have nobody to do anything with. It was a lonely time for me. grades were just average in college i didn't apply myself because i was depressed, so i didn't even have that or any kind of forum like this for support (they didn't exist.) I ended up dropping out. You've got something going that i didn't, good grades. I couldn't focus on school, i was just focusing on the social aspect, which i was a failure at. I've always wished i had someone i could lean on for help and guidance i think it would really have benefitted me. Neither of parents did that for me, i was on own. I've been on own since i was a kid. mom worked two jobs and was rarely home when i grew up. I feel like i really raised myself.

I would love to say it got easier after school, but it didn't. shit happens.

So, do we know exactly how you feel, no, but i think a lot of us can relate to your feelings. a lot of us have gone through difficult times too.

Thanks for the insight, but I'm not entirely sure what to say. I don't know what to comment on considering your college years are behind you and I'm not entirely sure that commenting on them would be beneficial. So I'll just leave this as it is. Thanks.

What skills do we have at our disposal right now? What tools? Pretty much basic social skills is about it. You have to apply them now and you are not. Scott posts and you basically rip into him. Where is the basic social skills there? How did that help us? Did you feel any better? You went through and rebutted bossman pretty much point for point, how does that help us? Did that get us any closer?

You feel how you feel, that's fine. Well-wishers 'gon wish you well, its ok. If you are going to hitchhike to california, use your thumb not your middle finger.

You are able to keep yourself off the bottom of the cycle so progress is progress.

I don't know HOW to apply social skills. I'm horridly shy to the point that I freak out sometimes even talking to people I know. The only place that I seem to not be socially inept is online. But having people online is no where near as good as having people in real life. Patch and Matt were only two real life people and yesterday they decided they didn't want to be anymore. So I'm stuck. It took me this whole school year to build those two relationships, to be able to trust those two people and now it's just gone. And I'm hurt. And I'm sick of people hurting me. And I'm sick of people saying that they won't hurt me and then hurting me anyway. By the way, did I feel better? Yeah, I kinda did. I'm sick of being the nice girl that gets treated badly, I lashed out for once and it felt great. I do apologize for it now, considering that was very childish of me, but it made me feel somewhat better at that time. Rebutting Boss was just another point of me acting like a brat, but positive people drive me insane. I don't know how people can ignore the negative side of things when the negative side is what is more pertinent and obvious in life. Maybe I'm just biased to pessimism, but I don't understand optimists.

"You are able to keep yourself off the bottom of the cycle so progress is progress" Uh, what? I'm a little confused at this.

[fit-fanatic-2025]

point was we've all had tough times, it will pass until the next tough time down the road comes along. Just to show you that your not alone, we've all had struggles. Hope things turn around for you.

[MissJenaKay]

point was we've all had tough times, it will pass until the next tough time down the road comes along. Just to show you that your not alone, we've all had struggles. Hope things turn around for you.

Thanks for the support, dear. I appreciate your caring.

[Boss Man]

You know, I didn't take what you said personally Jena, because I know you didn't mean it personally. I knew that it was the way you're feeling now that motivated it, because you're not someone that always behaves like that.

You need to get a reality check here though. You have a life and one worth living. You have a lot of intelligence and the chance of a decent future and a decent job.

I know more than most about how very negative your past has been and how it has partly shaped the person you are today, but saying you want to go to sleep and not wake up, is just a reaction to circumstance.

You know you don't want that anymore than other people do, but you need to face facts and start making your situation better for yourself.

Saying you can't do something you've been trying is not a good answer in this situation. People have lost weight by perservering and making it happen. Your body is not some genetically freaky body that cannot shed weight. If you were someone with a serious physical problem, being taught how to swim, then saying you couldn't do it, would make more sense.

You're worth more than you think you are and I don't care if I drive you insane, I'll drive you the wrong side of insane if needs be, until all you can think about is better things, than you do.

You're a better person than this and deserve to feel better about yourself, because you don't deserve to be treated like a waste of space by anyone and you shouldn't treat yourself like a waste of space.

You can think more positively about yourself, you just need to realise that and because plenty of babies including ones from western countires, never live to see their first day of school, you've lived longer than many and you shoudl be glad of that, because you deserve life, so start living it more positively and don't be so obsessed with pity. You're not a pity case, you're you and that IS worth something, whether you want to believe that or not.

[MissJenaKay]

You know, I didn't take what you said personally Jena, because I know you didn't mean it personally. I knew that it was the way you're feeling now that motivated it, because you're not someone that always behaves like that.

You need to get a reality check here though. You have a life and one worth living. You have a lot of intelligence and the chance of a decent future and a decent job.

I know more than most about how very negative your past has been and how it has partly shaped the person you are today, but saying you want to go to sleep and not wake up, is just a reaction to circumstance.

You know you don't want that anymore than other people do, but you need to face facts and start making your situation better for yourself.

Saying you can't do something you've been trying is not a good answer in this situation. People have lost weight by persevering and making it happen. Your body is not some genetically freaky body that cannot shed weight. If you were someone with a serious physical problem, being taught how to swim, then saying you couldn't do it, would make more sense.

You're worth more than you think you are and I don't care if I drive you insane, I'll drive you the wrong side of insane if needs be, until all you can think about is better things, than you do.

You're a better person than this and deserve to feel better about yourself, because you don't deserve to be treated like a waste of space by anyone and you shouldn't treat yourself like a waste of space.

You can think more positively about yourself, you just need to realise that and because plenty of babies including ones from western countries, never live to see their first day of school, you've lived longer than many and you should be glad of that, because you deserve life, so start living it more positively and don't be so obsessed with pity. You're not a pity case, you're you and that IS worth something, whether you want to believe that or not.

I appreciate your sentiment, Boss. However, it's not weight that has me down. That's not what I care about as of right now. Right now, I'm concerned with the fact that even though I have worked so hard to build those two friendships, I'm back to zero. I have no one. And it sucks, and it hurts. I haven't feel this hurt and depressed since the first time I was abandoned by friends. But at least back then I had family. Here I have absolutely no one to be around. I hate it. Also, Boss. I'm not looking for pity. I hate the word in and of itself. I'm sorry I'm rebutting again, but I can't help but put two cents in at times like this.

Online it seems that you are capable of pushing people away. Throughout your journal well-meaning people have popped their heads in to offer their advice only to get slapped. You have to be careful lashing out. It may feel good but its not a good idea, socially. At first, self-esteem may come out as aggressiveness. I think this is incorrect. Assertiveness is not aggressiveness. So, hopefully the lashees will understand, if not, no worries, they could have minded their own business. If I stick finger into a hornet's nest, I need to know what the repercussions are.

The negative is always there, it has to be, it can't not be. It requires nothing from you, actually it consumes your energy without you knowing it. The positive is there too. It requires energy from you to maintain, it takes work, it takes mental output. It is expressed differently in many cultures but I like the ying/yang expression the best. It takes both to be complete.

Socially, the correct response is polite acknowledgement. This does not mean you agree. It doesn't mean it won't upset you. You don't have to follow any advice that's given but you cannot afford to rebutt it the way you have. You do not have the energy to spare. You need to learn to politely acknowledge that with which you may not agree with, at least for now. Social acceptance is not a right, it is a priviledge. It requires some work on your part to attain.

Here's something that I have come to know and I don't expect you to agree or even get it, but if you believe in yourself, so will others. Even crazier - sometimes people will believe in you even when you don't. These people are golden and you should keep them around no matter what - eventually it will rub off on you. You know who I mean. These two people that gave up on you are symptoms. Learn from it and move on.

Online is the only place I'm able to stick up for what I'm thinking and what I think is the truth. I'm too non-combative and too shy to do it in person. That's not saying I never could, but that's saying as of right now, I feel as though I'm incapable of doing so. Also, what do you mean by "self-esteem may come out as aggressiveness"? I'm not sure I grasped that fully or caught the intent you had put there. I like the way you expressed positive and negative there. Also, I seem to be very bad and just acknowledging things. One question, why do you say that I don't have the energy to rebut things as of right now? Social acceptance is nothing I ever really had so I don't know how to work to get that. I may need a little help there. As for moving on about Patch and Matt. I don't think I can as of yet, I'm still hurting and I still kinda want to see if I can get them back.

I generally keep nose out of here, but I do have one comment about the friends that no longer want to be, well, friends.

Friends are there through it all. They may have to take some time to step back and reevaluate, and that's okay. I didn't speak to best friend for two years. I couldn't deal with her crap. I had own crap. The relationship was all-consuming, and eventually I had to think about me and focus on myself. I didn't care to sink more of own energy into her bottomless pit.

At the time I was 18, and I had known her since I was 6. You can't just up and walk out on 12 years without looking back. I couldn't even see other friends without her coming up, or her even being there.

Then one day, 2 years later, she invited me to visit her. We went to separate colleges, in different cities, and she was about 2 hours from me. It was about 1/2way between house and dad's, so I stopped by for lunch on way home one weekend. It was a pleasant experience, like the two years of silence never happened. After that we visited much more frequently, and since have been in each other's lives as much as we could be. She and her fiancée introduced me to Salads, actually (:

point is, even though you aren't speaking *now* that doesn't mean your friends are lost to you. Sometimes people just have to much stuff to deal with anybody else's stuff. And that's okay. It doesn't mean it's lost forever, it just means that once everyone is centered, maybe you can come back to an even better, happier, healthier relationship.

Life will go on and things are going to happen regardless. It is your choice and your own decision that determines your reaction to it.

There is no need to respond to this post.

Les

only thing. Is two years of silence or something like that will most definitely be demise. I don't handle abandonment at all. It's always what gets me into trouble. It's not when people hurt me, it's when they hurt me and leave me on own. I'm so afraid of being alone and I'm so afraid of having no one. It's stupid and I know that I'm irrational about it, but it drives me insane. Today, the first full day of not being able to talk to either of them or hang out with either of them. I haven't said a single word, I went outside only once to get some food from the student center and the only person I have seen is Mollie. I really wish that I could handle things better and I really wish that I could know for sure whether or not I can have them back in life later.

Sorry for rebutting again, if I have, I can never tell the difference between telling it how I see it and rebuttal. . . which is probably not good. :c

[Boss Man]

I never said you were looking for pity .

The thing is you CAN move forward and you CAN progress. These things are not nice, but that's life. They make you stronger if you let them. We all have things we wish we hadn't had to deal with in life and sometimes something triggers off a bad memory, but when you are able to move on, the impact those things once had isn't as bad in later life, because triggering a bad memory, almost always is not the same as feeling like you did way back then.

You can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, because I don't think you've known that feeling yet. Your life experience, has not yet given you certain lessons about overcoming certain things, but in time it will. It just won't feel like that now, because it hasn't happened, so there's no way to apply, or find a way to apply, that "getting over the hurdle" mentality to other negative scenarios, unless you've lived / experienced it for the first time.

Can you get over these things? YES of course you can. Are you ready to accept the possibility or continue to go on believing you can't? I'm guessing more than likely you will believe you can't, but eventually you will succumb to the inevitable, because you can't keep feeling the hurt and rejection for ever. You'll have times where you can go for an hour or more without feeling bad, then a few hours and eventually a whole day and then longer still.

To me you will always be someone with a lot of self worth and believe it or not, I wouldn't give up on you unless you gave up on this site, because you don't deserve that and because whatever you may come across as to people in your life, I know deep down, you're not that person. I know there's someone else in there, waiting to find a voice and waiting to see more of the sunlight and the world around them.

Eventually you will become more open and more ready to believe, that things aren't always bad and they won't always be the way they seem or feel forever.

In your own way you're pretty unique and in time to come, you will realise that you CAN be someone that can be a bit special. I don't care if you can't see it, or don't want to see it, because if you choose to talk down about yourself, it will never make the truth not the truth.

Time and more life experience, will make you a stronger and better person. You CAN believe in that and there is no reason to think otherwise.

You have continued to try and progress your education and in one way shape or form, continued to try and get something out of pretty much each day, regards education, life experience or just telling people how you feel, instead of hiding it away like a guilty secret and you know something, I AM PROUD OF YOU and I want you to know that because it's true.

I think in your own way you have the potential to be fantastic and make a great life for yourself, I really do and in time you will become more wiser and sure footed regards life, but if you need to keep experiencing things that are not great right now, in order to find the light at the end of the tunnel, then that's how things may work out, but all that means is they WILL and CAN work out for you Jena.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG. You know nothing you say to me will ever change what I think of you, so don't be afraid to give me the all guns blazing treatment sometimes, even if I don't deserve it, I will understand, because I know you do it as a way of release, not because you have a serious attitude problem, because you don't .

You're a good person, so cut yourself some slack okay and don't ever forget that if you need some private one to one, just PM me anytime and don't worry about what you say, because that's what I'm here for.

You won't push me away, because unless this site ceases to exist, or something hideous befalls me, which I doubt, I will be here for the long term and I hope you will be too .

One day you WILL be happy, so start believing in that and don't ever stop .

[MissJenaKay]

Boss :: (I would have quoted you, but I didn't want this post to be horrendously long). Thanks so much for always believing in me. It's greatly appreciated. I know I'm still young, still green in a lot of aspects of the world. But I definitely know way around hurt. I try to avoid the things that led to past pain and I guess I just have an amazing knack for finding new ways to get hurt. I know that I need to do everything that I can to improve myself and outlook and the things in life that hurt me, but I can't seem to get to them yet. I'll keep trying as long as I can.

Social skills can start on here, try to be nice and see how that goes. When I talk about being aggressive vs assertive, there is a line there somewhere, its kind of a matter of degree thats all - practice will make perfect there.

At times like this when things seem shitty, you are going to be lacking energy. A lot will be diverted to bodily functions but when you are down, this state burns up your energy like crazy. point was that this particular time may not be the best time to try any new social moves. Wait until you feel better. You will learn this. Think about playing poker. If you are low on chips, that's not the time to be assertive.

If you commit one thing to memory make sure it is this. You are aware of your surroundings, you are conscious of what is happening. This is important. This awareness is the key. There are many people with afflictions and mental distress that are not aware or conscious of it so consider yourself fortunate to be aware. You can decide how to proceed. I don't know how to change you but think of how you have got here, and if you are not happy, don't repeat it.

I don't know how this is going to end up but I know how its starts - you have to work at it. There is no bluebird that's going to land on your shoulder and chirp your hurt away. It doesn't happen like that.

I try to be nice on here, but I kind of fail at it. At least in the since of not rebutting and not lashing out when I'm hurt. Times like now, I really just want to curl up and sleep for the rest of life. I haven't been able to get myself to wake up at a decent time since Friday and I've been feeling more and more tired throughout the day. :c only problem with your statement about not repeating things is I really do avoid doing the same things that get me hurt. But it seems like any time I finally trust someone, it blows up in face. I guess I should stop trusting people. (Not being serious). I really hope I can things, there was a brief period in the last year where I felt genuinely good for a while, I wish I could be like those days again.

[MissJenaKay]

You are aware, you are conscious. you are alert - these are the things that will enable a change. You are likely more alert than anyone around you. Eat sleep shit breathe and just let the negative thinking go. Stop being lazy and waiting for someone to do it for you, do it yourself. You were told to meditate on here a long time ago - google and get at it. No more investing your energy in excuses and arguing.

I'll see what I can do.