Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)

[skully]

I have to write this, as sad as it is. I've been eating badly the past 2 days. I'll just focus on today, cuz yest was off day anyway...

12:00 (when i woke up, its weekend) protein shake with milk and a handful of protein SP K plus cereal

3:00 Grilled chicken, rice, and broccoli

Worked out from 4:00-5:30: legs + 10 mins cardio

Protein shake

Then I went shoppin'

Before I do, I wanted t go eat a real meal, u know the healthy kind.......whole wheat, grileld chicken...etc..

Then I passed by something I didn't have in over 6 months, c-i-n-a-b-on.

So I had those mini choco bites, a whooping 500 cals, with other meals It's probably 1,000 in cals.

Then.....i did A L O T O F A W A L K I NG. As in I walked...in this mall with this distance: Over 12 million sq ft (equivalent in size to more than 50 football pitches), the Dubai Mall has a total internal floor area of 5.9 million square feet (55 ha) and leasable space of 3.77 million square feet (35 ha)

not sure whar these numbers mean, but you can bet your out of the 5 hours spent there at least 2.5 were walking on speed 5km/h...as I dont walk slowly. So I at least burnt 700 cals or so...so I was literally running on 300 cals!!

Then oringal plan was to eat u know grilled chicken lettuce with balsamic ving...but..after much thinking and feelling like shit and whatever...I end up eating a caesar salad from uno, a whopping 800-1000, 3 hours ago. Generally speaking, I know I am within the limits of calorie intake, but I screwed it all up.............health wise. I mean I ddid more or less have about 65g of fat, and at least 25 saturated

Had enough protein though.

putting it all together: 20 + 15 + 20 + 7 + 30 more less 90-100g....

I dunno why i stil ldo this. I wanted to go out and break away from the ice cream habit, and did MUCH worse....
during the week i pretty much eat clean 90% of the time, it's just weekends, days like...thur/fri i tend to get a bit overboard.

I am so cardio-ing for one hour tomorrow....with really bad shoes. I need to get shoes..i can't find naything i like, afforadable, and works..this really sucks.

How should I feel about being a size 10? I used to be a size 8 before, like 4 years ago if not more, cuz legs were a lot thinner...and hips weren't as bug (not fat, big)..I actually have werid shaped hips. Now I lost fat, hips look round and don't flow smoothly...I don't know why body is like this. I really dont think I look that bad anymore..but there are these little things that I can't change make ME feel bad............Espcially a lot of the cool pants are always so low rise and pinpoint big lovehandles (hips) area and make me look like i have a hige when I really don't.

Oh man....

[Boss Man]

That could change, but for now embrace the positives and screw the little negatives. You don't need those ruining your mindset.

You're in a lot better shape now than you were then .

[skully]

very much agreed.

I just have to keep getting up everytime i stuble upon a freakin big bump ahead!

I am not demoivated at all..I am stil; very much motivated and feel like it's a routine to exericse and eat certain foods...I just wish I had much better control over myself...especially when i dont REALLY want the thing...I sometimes just go and have it.

[Boss Man]

Then you need to ask yourself, if you don't want something grotty to eat, why do it. What makes you overturn the emotion that partially repulses you to the idea, so you warm to it instead.

I mean if one or two other people were encouraging you ot eat something you didn't really want to, I see hwo you could succumb, but to feel that wat then suddenly feel the opposite perplexes me a tad, but certainly you need to find a way to overcome that u-turn situation, so you remain negative to the unwanted food and don't develop the urge to eat it anyway.

[skully]

I honestly have no i dea how brain works. It's weird. I am weird. I literally went all the way up after I've passed the resturant..and then thoughts started hitting me., I didnt even plan to or want to have it. Nor I wannted or desired the cinnabons....I tend to give myself too many execuses and I wish I can learn how to stop excusing or finding ways to stop it.

I tend to do this...after friday, a leg training day, id say its fine to have sth i like like ice cream, cuz body actually needs the simple carbs ...etc...problem is, insteado f having one mini kids scoop, i have 3 kids scoops...why? I wanna have all the falvors i like...Silly me, right?

as for todays caesar, I usually have it on Thursdays, but yesterday i had buffalo wings..which i didnt have for a while, and probably wont for a veyr long while again.....i excused it by...

a) i didnt even have enough cals for the day by the time it was 10 p.m.

b) I walked a lot today...

hence, it's okay to eat shitty food...

someoen shoot me will you???

[cassiegose]

someoen shoot me will you???

LOL! Absolutely not!

Darlin the truth of the matter is I know quite a few people who do these things... make excuses for why we "need" certain foods and why its ok to have them and blah blah blah. Hell I do it sometimes. So you had a rough day. Its not the end of the world. Chalk this up as a learning experience and move on. I'm assuming you feel pretty down on yourself right now so make a note, tuck it away in your brain, and save it for later when youre put in the same situation. Sometimes we have to screw up in order to learn our lesson... in fact thats pretty much the only way that I seem to learn lifes biggest lessons. As I always say 2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress. Atleast you did alot of walking today.

I'm still proud of ya Amna.

*hugs*

Cassie

[Boss Man]

Personally I don't think your body needs the simple Carbs after training. Simple promote rapid Bloodsugar elevation 'tis true, but complex promote both Bloodsugar elevation and better Glycogen recovery too.

I'd favour complex over simple if it was a straight choice.

Having a combination of both is okay, like Crushed Oats and Honey in a carb free Protein shake, or a combination one that you can get sometimes, like Glucomannan or Palatinose, where simple and complex are bound together, so you get the simple releasing at the same rate as the complex.

Nearest effect to that in nature is probably Honey on Whole-grain bread.

[skully]

I feel so angry right now, and I screwd up again because I felt angry.

So I need to buy decent running shoes for carido, as the shoes I have are all basketball shoes and often 1-2 size bigger than actual feet size cuz i simply feel comfy walking in them.

So i went to buy REAL shoes...problems I encountred were just too many.

a) I don't have enough money to buy really good shoes nike, addidas...etc. Most of the good ones are about 100-140$, money is different here..and such. So it's paying like AED 500 for the good ones.

b) Girl's shoes never work well with feet, cuz nmy feet is actually wide from the front, so female runnign shooes feel very tight and uncomfy...so i always opt for guy's shoes.

c) everytime i wear shoes i feel this bump at the curve, and no im dont have flat foot either.

d) so i finally got some shoes which felt decent and failry good...men's running shoes, paid about $40 as we have sales....only to realize LATER when i sued it to work out, right foot felt the bump YET AGAIN...I FEEL SO ANGRY DISCOURAGED to do cardio becauseo f this...ITS LIKE I CAN NEVER HAVE SOMETHING THE WAY I WANT IT OR NEED AND FEEL I WASTED VALUABLE MONEY ON SHOES THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE ME MORE PAIN EITHER WAYS.....

Then i wanted to go and buy somehting, WENT TO TWO PLACES and didn't find it, got even angrier...and then found it in a place nearby where baskin robins was nearby...what did i do? said it and went and had icecream....SHALL I JUST GIVE UP all together? if ill never find the right shoes, affordable, or have a DECENT normal looking body...i hate god for giving me this UNPROPOTIONED WEIRD LOOKING BODY...

I HATE ALL OF THIS STRESSS!!!!

[Boss Man]

You just need to get over yourself.

We all have frustrations, but you build them up into htings that could start world war III.

You need to rationalise things and try to work around them. You CAN do this okay .

[cassiegose]

I feel so angry right now, and I screwd up again because I felt angry.

So I need to buy decent running shoes for carido, as the shoes I have are all basketball shoes and often 1-2 size bigger than actual feet size cuz i simply feel comfy walking in them.

So i went to buy REAL shoes...problems I encountred were just too many.

a) I don't have enough money to buy really good shoes nike, addidas...etc. Most of the good ones are about 100-140$, money is different here..and such. So it's paying like AED 500 for the good ones.

b) Girl's shoes never work well with feet, cuz nmy feet is actually wide from the front, so female runnign shooes feel very tight and uncomfy...so i always opt for guy's shoes.

c) everytime i wear shoes i feel this bump at the curve, and no im dont have flat foot either.

d) so i finally got some shoes which felt decent and failry good...men's running shoes, paid about $40 as we have sales....only to realize LATER when i sued it to work out, right foot felt the bump YET AGAIN...I FEEL SO ANGRY DISCOURAGED to do cardio becauseo f this...ITS LIKE I CAN NEVER HAVE SOMETHING THE WAY I WANT IT OR NEED AND FEEL I WASTED VALUABLE MONEY ON SHOES THAT'S GOING TO CAUSE ME MORE PAIN EITHER WAYS.....

Then i wanted to go and buy somehting, WENT TO TWO PLACES and didn't find it, got even angrier...and then found it in a place nearby where baskin robins was nearby...what did i do? said it and went and had icecream....SHALL I JUST GIVE UP all together? if ill never find the right shoes, affordable, or have a DECENT normal looking body...i hate god for giving me this UNPROPOTIONED WEIRD LOOKING BODY...

I HATE ALL OF THIS STRESSS!!!!

Helllooo,

One thing I do when looking for shoes on a budget is go to the store and find some that fit (regardless of the price) then shop around online and see if I can find the same show on sale or on ebay to save some money. This has worked really well in the past.
Absolutely NO you should not give up all together Amna. THIS IS LIFE! Its not easy sometimes. It seems like sometimes you feel like youre the only one with struggles... the truth is that we all have struggles and barriers that we have to get through. Its all apart of living and growing older.

As for the baskin robins... Well I was going to comment on that but don't feel like me saying anything there will be productive so I'm going to just drop that all together.

*hugs*

Cassie

[skully]

i dont wanan explain anything to anyone anymore. im tired of it...im gonna just be in big depressed mood for god knows how long, and i am saying f*** it to eating healthy and will do what mind tells me to do. and no it's not just the fucking shoe.

and the only +ive thing at all is that I was able to do a dumbell bench press with 12kgs in each arm.

[Boss Man]

Exactly. You'll just end up going through a pointless cycle of eat crap, feel crap, eat crap, feel crap. You're intelligent, you work out why your proposed behaviour is senseless .

[skully]

youguys dont even knwo he shit i go through..fine I GET IT..other people go through SHIT TOO. but you dont fucking get it and i am tired of being JUDGED ALL THE TIME.

im sick of this.

[feelin-great]

I don't know if you have read any other journals on this site. I know how you feel. I have struggled with depression since I was a teenager. I even attempted suicide and it is something I deal with on a daily basis. I used to have the same outlook on life as you, if something didn't go way I let it sabotage me and I was angry at the world. But as I got older I realized that things aren't as bad as I let myself think they were. I realized that the roadblocks in life helped to make me who I am today. I learned to take things one day at a time and one roadblock at a time. I have been a much happier person since then. But when I was your age I was angry too. I still struggle with depression and thoughts of suicide, but I know there isn't anything I can do about that, it will always be part of life - I have just learned how to deal with it and not let it ruin life.

I know you think that we don't understand, but I think a lot of us understand more than you think. You have come a long way and I hope that some day you can get past the anger, you are worth more than that, and you are not alone. You are a very beatiful young woman and you have a lot going for you. I just hope that some day you can see that. Good luck to you. there are a lot of people here to support you if you need it...

[Boss Man]

Chewing the Fat here with you. Nobody has or ever will judge you on here, that's not how we roll in general.

We are trying to make you see what things you do, or say you will do, look like. You're a human being, not a robot, so it stands to reason you are going to feel it. I've never been emotionally where you've been, but I've had some negative emotions before that I didn't want to feel and seen and read negative things in the media, other places and sometimes around me.

I am who I am, because if I wasn't that stuff would just drag me down. Yes I admit I don't live with crap on a daily basis. I get a situation that isn't good, it lasts a day or two, then I slowly move on, trying not to let something constantly bother me after the event, because forgetting isn't easy, but time allows you to do that.

What you have to deal with is not necessarily the thing here, but how you choose to deal with it is.

If you can avoid certain negative things or people, good, but if not, you ride the storm. You are someone that right now will never have to live with something horrible. Some people right now live in constant pain, or were born unable to talk, or move properly.

You have a right to feel negative and anooyed with life, if you feel negative things all the time, but people like those types I mentioned, who live with things they can never get over, just make the best of their bad situation, because some might live as long as you or I, so having a massive gripe with the world, for 80 plus years isn't an answer to a partially hindered life.

You will potentially never find a way to control the demons you possess. To some extent you have overcome them and may one day be rid of them, but until you stop making a rod for your back, by viewing a lot of stuff as some force sent to keep you down, or some obstacle that is incredibly hard to overcome, you will always be playing up to the demons you have.

Don't become a victim to your own emotions, because you don't deserve that. You CAN win, but until you come to realise your own capabilities as a person, you will allow the things you don't like to be a constant in your life, when some of them don't need to be.

Don't accept how you feel as normal, fight against it. Don't settle for what you think is the enevitable, because it may not be. You're too young and healthy to have a "stuck with this for life", kind of existance and until you cut yourself some slack and accept you CAN succeed and you do have, by and large, the ability to rise above the things and feelings in your life, you will continue to be the person you think you are now.

You deserve better, but part of that is not down to life keeping you down, but you to some extent keeping yourself down, by never allowing yourself to feel things about yourself, you have a right to feel.

You're judging yourself to some extent, by acting as if "this is all I have", this is all I'll ever have", "good lives are for people who aren't me"

You CAN progress in life, but not until you accept there is more for you in your life and more to a person like you, than what is in the here and now. Until then, you'll always emotionally flagellate yourself and emotionally self hurt, which doesn't work and damages you more.

Don't let your circumstances win; allow yourself to win just once. Life's a bitch, but you don't have to be. Not to yourself .