I agree. We all pretend. I am glad your sister is better now.Lesplease wrote: sister was committed to a mental institution when I was in high school. She came out and did okay for a few years (we thought) and was in and out of rehab for three years. She's been clean, sober and mentally stable for just over three years (her anniversary was last week!!).
No family is normal, but we all pretend (:
Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Moderators: Boss Man, cassiegose
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Being human is not about being perfect. Being human is about not being someone that deliberately solicits negativity from others, by being unsociable and having a bad attitude.
However being human is also being able to recognise flaws. Flaws like having a slight issue with mental or emotional state, are something very human. It shows imperfection but at the same time it can show vulnerability as well.
The question is how can the person change that vulnerability into strength? How can they overcome what they feel?
Sometimes it's just through sheer perseverance. Things that people enjoy will never truly become dislikeable, unless the individual lets them become that way.
Nobody ever truly ends up with a broken unfixable mind and if they can actually believe that, they can start to repair the damage. The large majority of this behaviour is probably things like self loathing and an inability to see self worth.
If you can continue to see the worth in yourself and realise that you are as from nothing, as you want to feel, you can push yourown boundaries beyond which the circumstances largely dictate.
Yes you hate stuff in your life right now, but it's temporary. You're not going to be studying forever and when you are able to prgress from the situation you're in at the right time, you will be able to begin expanding yourself, but as long as you continue to look at the here and now, you'll just feel more pointless and lacking of worth than you will ever actually be, so you will limit the future you want, because when the time for change comes you'll be just looking for the next phase of your life to be different but similar.
Same old crap different circumstances. When you start looking at the possibilities for the future you will hopefully begin to want it more and when it happens you'll be more ready and accepting of how good it could be.
If you keep limiting your view of the horizon, you'll miss a lot of sunrises and you'll only see part of what's there in your life, so you'll always be affecting the way you make life decisions, because you'll not be giving yourself enough things to consider, to make the choice more informed, so you'll live a resricted life, with restricted happiness.
You're know how you feel, you can identify it and I think you're no doubt smart enough to work out how to change it to a large extent, but until you see all the possibilities and the person you can potentially be, you'll mostly be the same person, living in some kind of shadow of a future, you aren't having, because you are reluctant to find a way to see that future for what it could be.
You deserve better in some respects, but you deserve to give yourself more of a chance to be happy, but until you find a way to at leats try and be the person you could be, you will never be that person and it will just make you feel worse, the longer in your life you go unfulfilled.
However being human is also being able to recognise flaws. Flaws like having a slight issue with mental or emotional state, are something very human. It shows imperfection but at the same time it can show vulnerability as well.
The question is how can the person change that vulnerability into strength? How can they overcome what they feel?
Sometimes it's just through sheer perseverance. Things that people enjoy will never truly become dislikeable, unless the individual lets them become that way.
Nobody ever truly ends up with a broken unfixable mind and if they can actually believe that, they can start to repair the damage. The large majority of this behaviour is probably things like self loathing and an inability to see self worth.
If you can continue to see the worth in yourself and realise that you are as from nothing, as you want to feel, you can push yourown boundaries beyond which the circumstances largely dictate.
Yes you hate stuff in your life right now, but it's temporary. You're not going to be studying forever and when you are able to prgress from the situation you're in at the right time, you will be able to begin expanding yourself, but as long as you continue to look at the here and now, you'll just feel more pointless and lacking of worth than you will ever actually be, so you will limit the future you want, because when the time for change comes you'll be just looking for the next phase of your life to be different but similar.
Same old crap different circumstances. When you start looking at the possibilities for the future you will hopefully begin to want it more and when it happens you'll be more ready and accepting of how good it could be.
If you keep limiting your view of the horizon, you'll miss a lot of sunrises and you'll only see part of what's there in your life, so you'll always be affecting the way you make life decisions, because you'll not be giving yourself enough things to consider, to make the choice more informed, so you'll live a resricted life, with restricted happiness.
You're know how you feel, you can identify it and I think you're no doubt smart enough to work out how to change it to a large extent, but until you see all the possibilities and the person you can potentially be, you'll mostly be the same person, living in some kind of shadow of a future, you aren't having, because you are reluctant to find a way to see that future for what it could be.
You deserve better in some respects, but you deserve to give yourself more of a chance to be happy, but until you find a way to at leats try and be the person you could be, you will never be that person and it will just make you feel worse, the longer in your life you go unfulfilled.
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fit-fanatic-2025
- VETERAN
- Posts: 1072
- Joined: Mon Dec 14, 2009 9:01 pm
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
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Last edited by fit-fanatic-2025 on Sun Oct 27, 2013 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
But I was never happy, practically whole life. I don't recall any HAPPY moments in life. I just see sad, depressing, pathetic moments. I don't want to try, because it will not work. I am simply doomed to be unhappy and depressed whole life.
As for today's meals:
12 p.m.: 1 slice sandwich: turkey w/cottage cheese, scrambled egg, green tea
2:00: 7 pieces of pistachio, i think, the nuts. Granola bar
3:00 a bit of rice, grilled chicken, 2 tbs of yogurt with lentils, lemon and mint juice
5:00-6:00 (1 hour workout, bodyattack, I almost died in those last 15 minutes of the class...it's a killer.)
6:30 Protein shake
7:30...okay I screwed up here. I had a sudden craving for ice cream, which I didn't have over 4 weeks, and I am getting period..so I said wtf. 2 scoops from BR (kids scoop), with sprinkles. Afterward, shortly i had a bit of brown pasta (about a palm size, with chicken), and a small bowel of broccoli
As for today's meals:
12 p.m.: 1 slice sandwich: turkey w/cottage cheese, scrambled egg, green tea
2:00: 7 pieces of pistachio, i think, the nuts. Granola bar
3:00 a bit of rice, grilled chicken, 2 tbs of yogurt with lentils, lemon and mint juice
5:00-6:00 (1 hour workout, bodyattack, I almost died in those last 15 minutes of the class...it's a killer.)
6:30 Protein shake
7:30...okay I screwed up here. I had a sudden craving for ice cream, which I didn't have over 4 weeks, and I am getting period..so I said wtf. 2 scoops from BR (kids scoop), with sprinkles. Afterward, shortly i had a bit of brown pasta (about a palm size, with chicken), and a small bowel of broccoli
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
amatlack wrote:You were happy a week or so ago while you were working out and seeing progress.skully wrote:But I was never happy, practically whole life. I don't recall any HAPPY moments in life. I just see sad, depressing, pathetic moments. I don't want to try, because it will not work. I am simply doomed to be unhappy and depressed whole life.
Maybe excited, but not happy. I don't feel peace inside. I don't feel okay with things. I'm not in peace with myself. So that makes me unahppy. I don't see self-worth as BossMan said. I don't respect myself......
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
I can't. It's so hard. you have no idea. I sit here, and I have 10 million thoughts bugging me and I can't control them or know how to solve any of them!
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Okay I don't know what's got into me all the sudden, with the junk cravings and old bad habits. I don't know. it could simply be the fact I am getting period, and before I haven't noticed this, because I was like this all the time!
I honestly have a pile to read/study/write....and haven't done anything for school work yet. I feel like it's hard to get into the university mode and study and use brain. I hate using brain. why do I hate using brain?
Today's meals:
9:00 1 scrambled egg brown bread sandwich with low fat cheese, green tea
10-11: Weights. I am deadlifting with 35kgs, I probably can deadlift with 40, but I will do that next week. I don't know if I should give it a shot and do a bench press with 30kgs, it's a lot honestly. I can do 20, not easily, but not SO hard I can't pull off 10 reps in one session. We have ready made barbell with the weights. Which ones are better, the one where you ADD the weights or use those?
11:30 Protein shake, low fat granola bar, 3 inch (small) brown bread with labneh and Zatar
2:00 Grilled chicken, rice, veggies
5:00 Special K Cereal w/low fat milk, 2 rice cakes with 1 tbs of PB on each, 3 bites of chocolate cake
6:15-7:30 (Body Balance -45mins-, BodyJam -30mins-)
8:00 Two small sized Whole wheat tortilla bread, each is like (80 cals, 12carbs -8g fiber-, 3g protein.): Turkey slice, mustard, cottage cheese, olives, lettuce. 4 piece of one of these legumes stuff. I don't know it's name the skin is brown from the outside, and white kinda like potato from inside. Screwed up again and ate cake. Like a small piece.
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I craved eating macdonald since last night, and been putting off this craving. I had the chance to buy it twice today, and didn't. I know having cake isn't any better, but calorie wise, I consumed a lot less with the cake than I would've with a Mac Chicken meal...
Which I plan to have on a Tuesday, on bed, like before.....not ALWAYS. Just...I miss doing that. It's been 2-3 months since I've done this. If I do that every 2-3 months...it will be fine I think.
I honestly have a pile to read/study/write....and haven't done anything for school work yet. I feel like it's hard to get into the university mode and study and use brain. I hate using brain. why do I hate using brain?
Today's meals:
9:00 1 scrambled egg brown bread sandwich with low fat cheese, green tea
10-11: Weights. I am deadlifting with 35kgs, I probably can deadlift with 40, but I will do that next week. I don't know if I should give it a shot and do a bench press with 30kgs, it's a lot honestly. I can do 20, not easily, but not SO hard I can't pull off 10 reps in one session. We have ready made barbell with the weights. Which ones are better, the one where you ADD the weights or use those?
11:30 Protein shake, low fat granola bar, 3 inch (small) brown bread with labneh and Zatar
2:00 Grilled chicken, rice, veggies
5:00 Special K Cereal w/low fat milk, 2 rice cakes with 1 tbs of PB on each, 3 bites of chocolate cake
6:15-7:30 (Body Balance -45mins-, BodyJam -30mins-)
8:00 Two small sized Whole wheat tortilla bread, each is like (80 cals, 12carbs -8g fiber-, 3g protein.): Turkey slice, mustard, cottage cheese, olives, lettuce. 4 piece of one of these legumes stuff. I don't know it's name the skin is brown from the outside, and white kinda like potato from inside. Screwed up again and ate cake. Like a small piece.
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I craved eating macdonald since last night, and been putting off this craving. I had the chance to buy it twice today, and didn't. I know having cake isn't any better, but calorie wise, I consumed a lot less with the cake than I would've with a Mac Chicken meal...
Which I plan to have on a Tuesday, on bed, like before.....not ALWAYS. Just...I miss doing that. It's been 2-3 months since I've done this. If I do that every 2-3 months...it will be fine I think.
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
I feel very discouraged right now. I literally thought about committing suicide. Which I haven't done in a long time. I feel worn out. Not from workouts particularly or food. I am just tired of everything and a lot of shortcomings.
Meals:
9:00 Brown slice of scrambled egg sandwich with cheese. I barely had 4 bites (half of the sandwich) and couldn't eat anymore.
10:30 2 munchkins, coffee
12:30 I had to force myself to eat early, because I obviously had to do a fucking assignment, which I didn't even do. Subway sandwich: 6inch brown bread: Roasted chicken, mustard, olives, lettuce, 1 slice of low fat cheese
4:00 Half of an apple, 1 rice cake with PB, 1 granola bar
I even forced myself to workout today (cardio).
I did 10 minutes of seat-biking, with different effort levels/speed, and same thing with elliptical for another 10 minutes. Plus, a few low-weights hip workouts (5-10kgs)
6:20 Protein shake
8:00 Panda express Chicken corn soup (Watery type, little corn, little chicken, a lot of egg whites), a small plate of whole-wheat pasta with grilled chicken.
I'll probably have another protein shake at night with a bit of milk in it right before I sleep.
Everything sucks right now.
- I can't seem to do any of assignments.
I feel so bloated that I actually look as fat as I did 2 months ago. Is it possible to look like you did 2 months ago with just 3 days of bad eatings, that were probably just a bit higher in calories than usual, or is it period that's making me look and feel like this? Even VERY loose pants feel tighter.
I am in a mode where I feel like quitting school. One I had for a semester long just last semester.
I hate the changes they're suddenly making to the course.
I hate the fact I have to be around and deal people all day long. I hate people!
I seem to have gained 1 kg back
ankle hurts, and I don't know why.
And the list could go on, until there is no space for anyone to write in this whole forum ever.
Meals:
9:00 Brown slice of scrambled egg sandwich with cheese. I barely had 4 bites (half of the sandwich) and couldn't eat anymore.
10:30 2 munchkins, coffee
12:30 I had to force myself to eat early, because I obviously had to do a fucking assignment, which I didn't even do. Subway sandwich: 6inch brown bread: Roasted chicken, mustard, olives, lettuce, 1 slice of low fat cheese
4:00 Half of an apple, 1 rice cake with PB, 1 granola bar
I even forced myself to workout today (cardio).
I did 10 minutes of seat-biking, with different effort levels/speed, and same thing with elliptical for another 10 minutes. Plus, a few low-weights hip workouts (5-10kgs)
6:20 Protein shake
8:00 Panda express Chicken corn soup (Watery type, little corn, little chicken, a lot of egg whites), a small plate of whole-wheat pasta with grilled chicken.
I'll probably have another protein shake at night with a bit of milk in it right before I sleep.
Everything sucks right now.
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cassiegose
- VETERAN
- Posts: 2525
- Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 6:06 pm
- Location: Prineville Oregon
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Amna,
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry youre struggling. I'm not one to support pity parties so I'm not even going to go into the things that you feel are wrong in your life. Just remember that we all have our ups and downs. Its a part of life. You must learn to focus on the positive instead of the negative or things will only keep bringing you further down.
If youre having suicidal thoughts then you probably should consider talking to a professional to see if they can help. Did you feel better when you were on the antidepressants? Think it might be time to go back on those?
Chin up girlfriend!
Cassie
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry youre struggling. I'm not one to support pity parties so I'm not even going to go into the things that you feel are wrong in your life. Just remember that we all have our ups and downs. Its a part of life. You must learn to focus on the positive instead of the negative or things will only keep bringing you further down.
If youre having suicidal thoughts then you probably should consider talking to a professional to see if they can help. Did you feel better when you were on the antidepressants? Think it might be time to go back on those?
Chin up girlfriend!
Cassie
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
I would NEVER in life EVER consider talking to a psychologist/psychiatrist. not only it's an emotional bullshit of roller coaster, or money and time waste...it's complete crap. And no if I go on the anti-depressants again..ILL GAIN ll those kgs back and probably another 9kgs to them.cassiegose wrote:Amna,
I honestly don't know what to tell you. I'm sorry youre struggling. I'm not one to support pity parties so I'm not even going to go into the things that you feel are wrong in your life. Just remember that we all have our ups and downs. Its a part of life. You must learn to focus on the positive instead of the negative or things will only keep bringing you further down.
If youre having suicidal thoughts then you probably should consider talking to a professional to see if they can help. Did you feel better when you were on the antidepressants? Think it might be time to go back on those?
Chin up girlfriend!
Cassie
I felt like I was a zombie when I was on them.
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Just remember, you're not going to be on the course forever. Once you finish the courses and get grades you can then move on.
You have to start seeing the future more positively, instead of living in the here and now. The here and now is not the rest of your life, the good things like exercise and diet should be, the other stuff won't be, they will end and then you move on.
Don't live under a cloud, because you're making things worse for yourself. You have the power to move on from these feelings, but until you learn to recognise that you won't be able to do it and you'll be stuck where you are now.
You need to start embracing words like "can" and "will", relating to how you feel right now and how you view the long-temr future, not just the coming few days. Don't be hard on yourself, because you're punishing yourself for things that aren't wrong, which is illogical.
I don't see why you hate people. There must be some people you like, that had a similar backround, religion interests to you, so why do you think as if everyone sucks?
You have to start seeing the future more positively, instead of living in the here and now. The here and now is not the rest of your life, the good things like exercise and diet should be, the other stuff won't be, they will end and then you move on.
Don't live under a cloud, because you're making things worse for yourself. You have the power to move on from these feelings, but until you learn to recognise that you won't be able to do it and you'll be stuck where you are now.
You need to start embracing words like "can" and "will", relating to how you feel right now and how you view the long-temr future, not just the coming few days. Don't be hard on yourself, because you're punishing yourself for things that aren't wrong, which is illogical.
I don't see why you hate people. There must be some people you like, that had a similar backround, religion interests to you, so why do you think as if everyone sucks?
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
I can't get myself to do the course, because of professor is a complete asshole who literally say he would love to fail you if you misspell one word. And he doesn't teach you anything...you literally have to go do your OWN work without him giving you any directions...deadlines or anything...im under so much stress.
I cant see the the future, because I doubt there is a future for me. So why look forward for something that will end up not happening.
I hate people because they treat me like a weirdo. Like a fucking outcast of the society. Just because I am different, everybody looks down at me (in here's standards at least). I'm sick of it. I can't even REMEMBER the last time someone did nice for me, or remembered birthday or even SPENT it with me, or bothered to do anything about it. I hate people for a lot of reasons...you have no idea............
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9:00 Boiled eggs, Special K PRo plus cereal, green tea
Weights
11:30 Protein shake, granola bar
2:00 Macdonals: Mac chicken, fries, half of the coke (decided)
5:00 1 rice cake with tbs of PB, 10g of protein shake
6:15-7:30 Bodycombat+Abs
8:00 2 small tortilla wraps: chicken, cottage cheese, olives, lettuce, green tea, a bit of olives.
Probably had about 2,000 in total, and burned some 600cals from exercise alone, and from other normal activities..so I probably balanced it out.
I cant see the the future, because I doubt there is a future for me. So why look forward for something that will end up not happening.
I hate people because they treat me like a weirdo. Like a fucking outcast of the society. Just because I am different, everybody looks down at me (in here's standards at least). I'm sick of it. I can't even REMEMBER the last time someone did nice for me, or remembered birthday or even SPENT it with me, or bothered to do anything about it. I hate people for a lot of reasons...you have no idea............
-----------
9:00 Boiled eggs, Special K PRo plus cereal, green tea
Weights
11:30 Protein shake, granola bar
2:00 Macdonals: Mac chicken, fries, half of the coke (decided)
5:00 1 rice cake with tbs of PB, 10g of protein shake
6:15-7:30 Bodycombat+Abs
8:00 2 small tortilla wraps: chicken, cottage cheese, olives, lettuce, green tea, a bit of olives.
Probably had about 2,000 in total, and burned some 600cals from exercise alone, and from other normal activities..so I probably balanced it out.
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Why doubt something that might still happen? I mean sure if you were 50 and not much had happened, you would have to concede a few things in life, but you're not. You're not someone who can't get opportunities, or can't get chances, because you're not so old, that some opportunities have passed you by.skully wrote: I cant see the the future, because I doubt there is a future for me. So why look forward for something that will end up not happening.
Is this a case of can't see the future or won't? Maybe it's just a simple case of being afraid to see the positives incase they don't happen, and you end up living with years of hurt and broken ambitions?
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
Why set yourself for failure when you know you're going to fail anyway? Why should I work so hard to get a C, D or an F, becasue I know these three are only options. Why bother, might as well fail it w/o trying.Boss Man wrote:Why doubt something that might still happen? I mean sure if you were 50 and not much had happened, you would have to concede a few things in life, but you're not. You're not someone who can't get opportunities, or can't get chances, because you're not so old, that some opportunities have passed you by.skully wrote: I cant see the the future, because I doubt there is a future for me. So why look forward for something that will end up not happening.
Is this a case of can't see the future or won't? Maybe it's just a simple case of being afraid to see the positives incase they don't happen, and you end up living with years of hurt and broken ambitions?
---------------------------------
9:00 Egg sandwich, 1 low fat cheese, green tea
10:30 2 munchkins, coffee
12:30 Salad: olives, feta cheese, lettuce, cucumber, carrots, chicken, baslamic ving.
4:15 3 small flafel w a bit of tahenah, 1 pinki sized hotdog roll, pickles, 6oz (I consumed about 40%) of sugar free ice cream, w/ walnuts
8:00 half of a scrambled egg, 70% of popcorn bag w/ 2tbs of PB
ya i know food sucks these days. Wth, right? it's not like body can keep the fat off whether I eat healthy, exercise of not......I simply screw up one day, the next I look like I did 2 months ago. Why work so hard to know body will never be at a point I want, because it's simply not meant to be for me to have a nice body w/o big damned hips.
I concluded 2 things in the past 2 months:
- I get fat way easily, as in ONE MEAL easily
- No matter how much I do weights, i'll always have skinny looking arms, and skinny looking legs, and big midsection...with or without eating healthy.
I have a screwd up loooking body and no matter what I do, I can't do a damned thing about it.
And no I wont stop exercising to watching food....still i obviously shouldn't even EXPECT anything anymore.
Re: Skully's Journal (Diet/workout)
I can't make friends.
I am really going through a rough path right now....I practically dared myself into crashing while driving. Yeah....I am really in a rough patch right now. I don't wanna talk what about...or what I am tired. I could say all the stuff I keep saying to everyone...but I'll just keep it in...and punch it out when the time comes.
I know that yesterday I threw half of anger into the punching bag, but it's back twice as more....I have years of anger with me. But you may say...you're only 20. Yeah...I have 20 years of anger in me + 9 months, too.
I pushed myself so hard in workout today I literally feel pain all over body. I am not sure if I'm actually bruised inside or sore.
food sucks for the day. Like really...I don't know if I should bother and mention it...I literally feel like crying or bursting out in anger everytime a thought comes to mind. I want to rip skin out.
I look the same. Weigh the same actually. I lost some of the bloatness, but i haven;t lost the anger/depression, because it's here to stay....
I had a professor, who I mentioned a problem too...told me to withdraw. how encouraging right? Might as well withdraw from life too.
Whatever...
I increased weights today...
Barbell curl: 10kgs 10 slow reps, 20kgs 4 reps, 20 kgs 3 reps, 20 kgs 3 reps. ( I can't do more than 4 reps at a time..)
Incline bench press w/o the dumbell...used the smith machine. I was stuck with 8,7,6 reps at 20kgs, and 25 kgs
Squats: 40kgs
Bar pull down: 50lbs, 60lbs, 70lbs (new weight) I can pull off 10,8,8
Should press: 10 kgs with the smith machine/barbell
whole body is aching, im literally limping from pain.
I am really going through a rough path right now....I practically dared myself into crashing while driving. Yeah....I am really in a rough patch right now. I don't wanna talk what about...or what I am tired. I could say all the stuff I keep saying to everyone...but I'll just keep it in...and punch it out when the time comes.
I know that yesterday I threw half of anger into the punching bag, but it's back twice as more....I have years of anger with me. But you may say...you're only 20. Yeah...I have 20 years of anger in me + 9 months, too.
I pushed myself so hard in workout today I literally feel pain all over body. I am not sure if I'm actually bruised inside or sore.
food sucks for the day. Like really...I don't know if I should bother and mention it...I literally feel like crying or bursting out in anger everytime a thought comes to mind. I want to rip skin out.
I look the same. Weigh the same actually. I lost some of the bloatness, but i haven;t lost the anger/depression, because it's here to stay....
I had a professor, who I mentioned a problem too...told me to withdraw. how encouraging right? Might as well withdraw from life too.
Whatever...
I increased weights today...
Barbell curl: 10kgs 10 slow reps, 20kgs 4 reps, 20 kgs 3 reps, 20 kgs 3 reps. ( I can't do more than 4 reps at a time..)
Incline bench press w/o the dumbell...used the smith machine. I was stuck with 8,7,6 reps at 20kgs, and 25 kgs
Squats: 40kgs
Bar pull down: 50lbs, 60lbs, 70lbs (new weight) I can pull off 10,8,8
Should press: 10 kgs with the smith machine/barbell
whole body is aching, im literally limping from pain.