Well as some as you know I had some relationship problems a while back. Well they have returned as I have realised I dont trust him and to be honest dont think he is good enough for me and son.
heres an example of the problem. I have worked nights all week so havent seen him then he goes out sat nite with his friends and stays out, which im fine with as they live miles away. Anyway he then decides to stay there for the day to watch boxing!!!
Its bank hol weekend and im left with son in the house with no money and nowhere to go so i tell him i wanted to do something. he blows up and says he isnt coming home tonight as we will just argue.
I think hes not coming home cos at best he is drunk in a pub and at worst... well ill leave that for you all to work out. And now he has switched his phone off!!
So thats just one of many incidents. He never wants to do anything with me and son and would rather sit at home and moan that he is bored.
Im feeling like id be so much better eventually without him but theres a few selfish issues
1) i qualify as a nurse in september and he is only help when it comes to childcare. Nurses shifts are not child friendly
2) we have a holiday booked for july and even if he let me have it i dunno if i could afford to pay the rest off and save spending money
3) we have loads of things together in name that i will be left footing the bill for and it will really limit finances
4) i really love him and he was truly heartbroken when i last ended it but nothing has changed despite his promises
Please help me
I feel terrible... need a friend
Moderators: Boss Man, cassiegose
I'm going to be someone that's as truthful and as honest as I can be to you, becasue you deserve that 100% 
.
The reality is, it's not working. You have to be honest and admit that. He clearly wants too much "him" time, or wants tonot be around your Son like he should be, which mes he is in some ways putting himself first sometimes instead of his Son.
Now I'm not a parent, but any person would know, that barring mistakes you make that were unintentional, like trying to do right, and it accidentally backfiring, your children need you, when they're little and sometimes if it means giving up a bit of personal time, to make sure they are getting the right levels of interaction, stimulus and human caring they need, then that should be it.
I'm sure there are times that you would like more "you" time, but if he's at that age where he can't be left alone to do his thing, safe in the knowledge he won't come to harm, or do something bad, then obviously you would have to be there for him a lot, where possible, during waking hours.
Your hubby seems from what you said, to be treating your Son, sometimes as a burden or a crimp on his life, or as a part-time Son, and that includes the way that his actions are portraying you.
Yes you have said that him being a part-time player in your life, would be a bit hard, but if you had family, friends, work based facilities etc etc, that would assist with your situation, then it would make things easier.
He said he'd change and he hasn't, and if your Son isn't getting as much of him as he should, and that Father Son bond in your eyes is not as strong as it should be, you have to take a big Motherly step, and say he is not being the sort of person he should be to either of you.
He should be honouring his commitments to you that he made when he married you, just like most people did with each other 50 years ago, as regardless of how many married women these days, have what could be called part-time husbands, doesn't mean he should become such a statistic.
He should be there for you and your Son more than he clearly is.
Undoutedly it is the so-called pressures of Fatherhood, marriage, and living together 24/7, that has changed him, as it does for many. You know if he'd been acting like a part-time boyfriend, you probably wouldn't have gotten hitched to him, but for some men, when faced with ther prospect of intimacy 3-4 times a week, for a few hours, it's okay, but having to be that guy every day with a wife, changes some men for the worse.
Some would say it's because they suddenly discover things about their partners they didn't realise, like little personal habits, or an ability to preach or nag, but reality is they lose sight of what's important.
As you say, he could be in the pub and that's not good. When he needs to be rationally discussing, how he could and arguably should change his attitude, to your married life and child, he'd rather waste money on drink, and then come home, possibly in a mildly bladdered and irrational or tetchy state, and not be in the right emotional or mental place, to have a rational discussion about anything.
He obviously got upset at the thought of losing what he had, because it woke him up. He's clearly not a total a-hole by the sounds of things, who wishes his home life would dissapear, or worse, uses actions totally unjustifiable against you and / or your Son, but he is in some ways and to some extent neglecting you, your Son and your wishes, hence why he realised the importance of losing you both, but not enough to change.
He therefore appears to see you and your Son, as something he can have when he picks and chooses, which goes against the vows you shared, even if marriage vows, (custom ones aside), don't specifically mention attitudes to children, he does not love you and honour you enough, with his actions to your Son, by rather shunning him sometimes and going off drinking, as you intimated.
The only thing I think you can do, is tell him straight that he has one more chance. A three strikes and out system. If he truly cares, he'll sharpen up his attitude and change for the better, because I can tell you, by the way you've been on here, and acted to others, and by the kind of work you have chosen to do, you are someone with a lot to give, and someone very warm, caring, emotionally tactile, loving, empathetic, and full of very positive human qualities, gifts and traits, and those are things your Son will benefit from immensely.
You deserve to be a Mother, but he is proving his lack of attention or willingness to attend enough, to that Father, Son bond, which all boys MUST get, when possible, especially in the early days, that he is not as good a Father as he should be.
He needs to be told what's at stake, as clearly once the dust had settled last time, he might have changed a bit initially, but old habits have crept back in, because he let them, and it makes him look as if he isn't strong enough like he should have been, to realise when he should do, that certain situations where he might be letting you and your Son down, are times he should be saying NO, and avoiding a blatently obviously let down scenario, of which shunning you both in favour of a pub night out, clearly is.
If he refuses to accept the reality of what he'd lose, and carrys on in this vein, then next step would be to move in with a relative or friend for a week, including your Son, and giving him a week, to get used to no you or Son, rather then just going for the whole legal split situation.
I don't think counselling would do any good, as you'll waste money, potentially so he can potentially slip up a few times, you get on his case about it, and a whole new blame, let down cycle begins again..
Right now, going for the legal option and splitting is perhaps too far, but if he needs telling what's at stake and can't change or won't listen, then moving out for a week, would give him a taste of what could be to come in the future.
If that doesn't work, then you'd have to consider splitting, as you can't keep allowing yourself and your Son to be in a situation, that's not condusive to a healthy family environment, impinges on the happiness you deserve, and may hurt your Son's emotional, mental and social development in the future.
You've got some reservations about proceeding, as you say, but if you let them get in the way of what you may have to do, for you and your Son, you'll both take more emotional and mental tests than should be the case, and it's not fair on both of you.
If you do need to continue discussing such things in the future, consider PM box available anytime.
You ARE part of the Shapefit community and we do look out for our own.
So you take care of yourself, keep looking after you and your Son as best as possible, and GOOD LUCK.
You should be proud of the person you are, and proud of what it means to your Son, to have a person like you to bring them up, as many don't get that luxury.
I'm sure you don't do wrong by him, and you shouldn't blame yourself for anything you have had to go through. Many women in terrible or less than ideal marital set-ups do, and in many cases, it's not their doing, it's the man struggling to be strong enough, (when he should be), and live up to his responsibilities by child, children, and / or wife.
Hopefully this helps you to assess things mroe clearly. As I said, get in touch anytime, keep your chin up and be strong okay.
You're a great person, and your Son is a lucky little boy, and whether in the future he has a full-time Dad or has to have a weekend Dad, I know he can become a great adult of the future, with the love, attention and human qualities a person like you has to share.
.The reality is, it's not working. You have to be honest and admit that. He clearly wants too much "him" time, or wants tonot be around your Son like he should be, which mes he is in some ways putting himself first sometimes instead of his Son.
Now I'm not a parent, but any person would know, that barring mistakes you make that were unintentional, like trying to do right, and it accidentally backfiring, your children need you, when they're little and sometimes if it means giving up a bit of personal time, to make sure they are getting the right levels of interaction, stimulus and human caring they need, then that should be it.
I'm sure there are times that you would like more "you" time, but if he's at that age where he can't be left alone to do his thing, safe in the knowledge he won't come to harm, or do something bad, then obviously you would have to be there for him a lot, where possible, during waking hours.
Your hubby seems from what you said, to be treating your Son, sometimes as a burden or a crimp on his life, or as a part-time Son, and that includes the way that his actions are portraying you.
Yes you have said that him being a part-time player in your life, would be a bit hard, but if you had family, friends, work based facilities etc etc, that would assist with your situation, then it would make things easier.
He said he'd change and he hasn't, and if your Son isn't getting as much of him as he should, and that Father Son bond in your eyes is not as strong as it should be, you have to take a big Motherly step, and say he is not being the sort of person he should be to either of you.
He should be honouring his commitments to you that he made when he married you, just like most people did with each other 50 years ago, as regardless of how many married women these days, have what could be called part-time husbands, doesn't mean he should become such a statistic.
He should be there for you and your Son more than he clearly is.
Undoutedly it is the so-called pressures of Fatherhood, marriage, and living together 24/7, that has changed him, as it does for many. You know if he'd been acting like a part-time boyfriend, you probably wouldn't have gotten hitched to him, but for some men, when faced with ther prospect of intimacy 3-4 times a week, for a few hours, it's okay, but having to be that guy every day with a wife, changes some men for the worse.
Some would say it's because they suddenly discover things about their partners they didn't realise, like little personal habits, or an ability to preach or nag, but reality is they lose sight of what's important.
As you say, he could be in the pub and that's not good. When he needs to be rationally discussing, how he could and arguably should change his attitude, to your married life and child, he'd rather waste money on drink, and then come home, possibly in a mildly bladdered and irrational or tetchy state, and not be in the right emotional or mental place, to have a rational discussion about anything.
He obviously got upset at the thought of losing what he had, because it woke him up. He's clearly not a total a-hole by the sounds of things, who wishes his home life would dissapear, or worse, uses actions totally unjustifiable against you and / or your Son, but he is in some ways and to some extent neglecting you, your Son and your wishes, hence why he realised the importance of losing you both, but not enough to change.
He therefore appears to see you and your Son, as something he can have when he picks and chooses, which goes against the vows you shared, even if marriage vows, (custom ones aside), don't specifically mention attitudes to children, he does not love you and honour you enough, with his actions to your Son, by rather shunning him sometimes and going off drinking, as you intimated.
The only thing I think you can do, is tell him straight that he has one more chance. A three strikes and out system. If he truly cares, he'll sharpen up his attitude and change for the better, because I can tell you, by the way you've been on here, and acted to others, and by the kind of work you have chosen to do, you are someone with a lot to give, and someone very warm, caring, emotionally tactile, loving, empathetic, and full of very positive human qualities, gifts and traits, and those are things your Son will benefit from immensely.
You deserve to be a Mother, but he is proving his lack of attention or willingness to attend enough, to that Father, Son bond, which all boys MUST get, when possible, especially in the early days, that he is not as good a Father as he should be.
He needs to be told what's at stake, as clearly once the dust had settled last time, he might have changed a bit initially, but old habits have crept back in, because he let them, and it makes him look as if he isn't strong enough like he should have been, to realise when he should do, that certain situations where he might be letting you and your Son down, are times he should be saying NO, and avoiding a blatently obviously let down scenario, of which shunning you both in favour of a pub night out, clearly is.
If he refuses to accept the reality of what he'd lose, and carrys on in this vein, then next step would be to move in with a relative or friend for a week, including your Son, and giving him a week, to get used to no you or Son, rather then just going for the whole legal split situation.
I don't think counselling would do any good, as you'll waste money, potentially so he can potentially slip up a few times, you get on his case about it, and a whole new blame, let down cycle begins again..
Right now, going for the legal option and splitting is perhaps too far, but if he needs telling what's at stake and can't change or won't listen, then moving out for a week, would give him a taste of what could be to come in the future.
If that doesn't work, then you'd have to consider splitting, as you can't keep allowing yourself and your Son to be in a situation, that's not condusive to a healthy family environment, impinges on the happiness you deserve, and may hurt your Son's emotional, mental and social development in the future.
You've got some reservations about proceeding, as you say, but if you let them get in the way of what you may have to do, for you and your Son, you'll both take more emotional and mental tests than should be the case, and it's not fair on both of you.
If you do need to continue discussing such things in the future, consider PM box available anytime.
You ARE part of the Shapefit community and we do look out for our own.
So you take care of yourself, keep looking after you and your Son as best as possible, and GOOD LUCK.
You should be proud of the person you are, and proud of what it means to your Son, to have a person like you to bring them up, as many don't get that luxury.
I'm sure you don't do wrong by him, and you shouldn't blame yourself for anything you have had to go through. Many women in terrible or less than ideal marital set-ups do, and in many cases, it's not their doing, it's the man struggling to be strong enough, (when he should be), and live up to his responsibilities by child, children, and / or wife.
Hopefully this helps you to assess things mroe clearly. As I said, get in touch anytime, keep your chin up and be strong okay.
You're a great person, and your Son is a lucky little boy, and whether in the future he has a full-time Dad or has to have a weekend Dad, I know he can become a great adult of the future, with the love, attention and human qualities a person like you has to share.
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AnnaCruzDC
- ESTABLISHED MEMBER
- Posts: 223
- Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 11:27 am
- Location: Northern Virginia
Well yes it does. As he is not showing enough commitment to you and your Son, then your best option, given this information, is to potentially consider cutting him loose.clare_1 wrote:Does that change things?
It's hard, and yes it's difficult for any guy to take on some responsibility for someone elses Son, but he has shown he can't quite do it, and you need someone who to some extent can. Because you have no solid ties to this guy as it now transpires, then you have less reasons to try and make this work anymore, given the circumstances.
You need what's best for you and your Son, and your bodyfriend clearly isn't it. If you were married, I'd say what I said before, about taking certain steps, before throwing in the towel, but as the ties aren't that binding, there's no point continuing with a relationship, that is not based on enough two way affection.
If you were to even consider marrying in the future, the problems would continue, maybe even worsen, but the problems eventually letting go would be worse, with all the legalities.
You've gotten a chance here to walk away from someone, who is not giving you or your Son enough of himself like he should. Hard to hear I know, but the truth.
The best thing I can say is, whatever happens, you and your Son must come first, and you can't live in a situation that isn't right for you, as much as it should be.
You can't settle for even 80 or 90%, if you both deserve 100%.
It will feel a hard thing to do, if you do do it, but long-term it could be the best thing for you, as you'll find the chance at some point to be potentially with someone else, who will be 100% the person you and your Son need and deserve.
GOOD LUCK whatever you decide.
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cassiegose
- VETERAN
- Posts: 2525
- Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 6:06 pm
- Location: Prineville Oregon
Hi Clare,
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. :( Lord knows I've had share of heartbreaks in the past 25 years so definitely know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I guess if I were you i would ask myself if this is the guy that I want to spend the rest of life with. If the answer is yes, in spite of all of his misgivings, then definitely give the relationship a chance to work itself out. However, if you don't see yourself with this guy 10 years down the road then definitely cut him loose. Life is too short to waste your time with people who don't treat you like you should be treated. What if, while youre dating this guy who doesn't give you the respect, affection, and consideration that you deserve, the MAN OF YOUR DREAMS come along and you miss the opportunity with him because you're consumed with this relationship that is only stressing you out and making you feel bad? Like the saying goes, "sometimes you have to give up the good in order to achieve the great". :)
Cassie
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. :( Lord knows I've had share of heartbreaks in the past 25 years so definitely know what it feels like to be in your shoes. I guess if I were you i would ask myself if this is the guy that I want to spend the rest of life with. If the answer is yes, in spite of all of his misgivings, then definitely give the relationship a chance to work itself out. However, if you don't see yourself with this guy 10 years down the road then definitely cut him loose. Life is too short to waste your time with people who don't treat you like you should be treated. What if, while youre dating this guy who doesn't give you the respect, affection, and consideration that you deserve, the MAN OF YOUR DREAMS come along and you miss the opportunity with him because you're consumed with this relationship that is only stressing you out and making you feel bad? Like the saying goes, "sometimes you have to give up the good in order to achieve the great". :)
Cassie
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cassiegose
- VETERAN
- Posts: 2525
- Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 6:06 pm
- Location: Prineville Oregon
Oh... and as for the "few selfish issues" (which in opinion really aren't selfish at all) I think those things will work themselves out. Back when I was 19 I started going with a guy who was a few years older than me. After a few months of dating, I moved in with him so we could share expenses. After moving in with him he talked me in to dropping out of college and I was forced to get rid of the majority of furniture as it wouldn't fit in his place. While living with him he treated me horribly and did some of the same things that your guy is doing. Sooo... just a month before 21st birthday while boyfriend was out of town i decided to move stuff out and start over. I got a place of own and over the next year began to save up money (I had to work a second job) and put life back together. Just before turning 22 I was able to buy own house and two years later had graduated with two degrees. Just last month, i graduated with third degree. The point is... while it was scary and difficult at the time, leaving that boyfriend was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I am now dating the man of dreams and honestly couldn't be happier with how life has turned out so far.
I hope this helps. :)
I hope this helps. :)
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Joesportstalk
- ESTABLISHED MEMBER
- Posts: 189
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2007 9:41 am
- Location: Las Vegas
I do not dare speak on an issue that is so close to some one else' heart.
I wish you well in your thoughts decisions and actions regarding this matter.
Above all else you must be true to yourself and what is best for you in your own mind and heart.
Again, good luck and best wishes while you sort it out.
I wish you well in your thoughts decisions and actions regarding this matter.
Above all else you must be true to yourself and what is best for you in your own mind and heart.
Again, good luck and best wishes while you sort it out.
True. And only listen to an advice not an answer. The final decision should still be in regards to how you feel and what you know is the right thing to do.Joesportstalk wrote:I do not dare speak on an issue that is so close to some one else' heart.
This one's really serious so "flip a coin" philosophy doesn't apply to this.
Anyways, hope you figure this one out soon. Goodluck.
The answer to the question is yes, he is good with son but he could be better and i often wonder if i am asking too much of him but then I realise that he knew the situation when we met and has had 3 years to settle into family. I would say he has done this 80%.
Anyway the guy still hasnt come home and i have got madder and madder but i have been alone for 2 days and have recieved no support as people seemed to be too busy enjoying their own bank holiday weekend to spare me an hour. So i guess i cant comment until i have spoken to him.
I think i need to move on but its whether or not i am strong enough as life has been one shitty thing after another and im sick of it. son is priority and i pray i will make the right decisions for him.
The easiest thing would be if the guy could be a total pig and take the decision out of hands but i doubt it as once he is home he usually becomes full of remorse and then treats me great until the next time he sees his 'friends'.
Ill keep you informed.
Anyway the guy still hasnt come home and i have got madder and madder but i have been alone for 2 days and have recieved no support as people seemed to be too busy enjoying their own bank holiday weekend to spare me an hour. So i guess i cant comment until i have spoken to him.
I think i need to move on but its whether or not i am strong enough as life has been one shitty thing after another and im sick of it. son is priority and i pray i will make the right decisions for him.
The easiest thing would be if the guy could be a total pig and take the decision out of hands but i doubt it as once he is home he usually becomes full of remorse and then treats me great until the next time he sees his 'friends'.
Ill keep you informed.
You ARE strong enough to do what needs doing. Many people who have to be strong when they need to be, can be, just be looking deep within themselves.
Not spiritually, just by looking for answers. You've described it yourself. Being sorry means nothing, when it happens again. It sounds like a tired old line after a while, when nothing changes.
Whatever you need to do, HAS to be 100% right for you and your Son. You are the one in complete control of this, and whatever happens you best wishes and lots of luck.
Whatever you do decide to do though, don't ever settle for second best. You ARE worht so much to others including your Son, and just as importantly yourself. Sometimes people have to make sacrifices, but sacrificing a part of yourself shouldn't have to be one of them.
Take care.
Not spiritually, just by looking for answers. You've described it yourself. Being sorry means nothing, when it happens again. It sounds like a tired old line after a while, when nothing changes.
Whatever you need to do, HAS to be 100% right for you and your Son. You are the one in complete control of this, and whatever happens you best wishes and lots of luck.
Whatever you do decide to do though, don't ever settle for second best. You ARE worht so much to others including your Son, and just as importantly yourself. Sometimes people have to make sacrifices, but sacrificing a part of yourself shouldn't have to be one of them.
Take care
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cassiegose
- VETERAN
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- Joined: Fri May 09, 2008 6:06 pm
- Location: Prineville Oregon
-
Gillsflower
- STARTING OUT
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Mon Jan 12, 2009 5:57 am
Clare,
I feel so much for you in this situation but like you say it is for the best - stay strong, like Cassie says..
From all of your posts on here you seem like a really interesting, intelligent, kind caring woman and quite frankly you are BLOODY GORGEOUS - I bet you could have any guy you wanted and one that actually deserves you as this guy sounds in no way close to your standard. I know you love him but well done on seeing it from a logical point of view both for you and your son.
Take care sweetheart - you have always said nothing but kind things to me here and I wish I could comfort you a little better
<3 <3 <3
I feel so much for you in this situation but like you say it is for the best - stay strong, like Cassie says..
From all of your posts on here you seem like a really interesting, intelligent, kind caring woman and quite frankly you are BLOODY GORGEOUS - I bet you could have any guy you wanted and one that actually deserves you as this guy sounds in no way close to your standard. I know you love him but well done on seeing it from a logical point of view both for you and your son.
Take care sweetheart - you have always said nothing but kind things to me here and I wish I could comfort you a little better
<3 <3 <3
Clare,
You are one Hot Mama – Great personality (been reading you’re posts) and have much love for your son. You’ll move on!
Breaking up is always one of the hardest part in life because you lost something you’re used to having around. But sometimes… It’s better Not to have it around if it hurts you too much!
It’s hard now because you’re going through it but once its over and you’ve move on… I know you’ll find someone better and your son will appreciate you for that!
Keep your head up… be strong, be positive and be the great role model that you are to you son!
Cassie,
Good to know you moved on and found someone better!!!
I guess experience makes you a stronger person
(Oh… and lifting weights makes you strong too
)
Good Luck,
Nokie
You are one Hot Mama – Great personality (been reading you’re posts) and have much love for your son. You’ll move on!
Breaking up is always one of the hardest part in life because you lost something you’re used to having around. But sometimes… It’s better Not to have it around if it hurts you too much!
It’s hard now because you’re going through it but once its over and you’ve move on… I know you’ll find someone better and your son will appreciate you for that!
Keep your head up… be strong, be positive and be the great role model that you are to you son!
Cassie,
Good to know you moved on and found someone better!!!
I guess experience makes you a stronger person
(Oh… and lifting weights makes you strong too
)Good Luck,
Nokie