I'm really down about this...

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Sun Jul 01, 2007 9:04 am

I'm starting to really really hate body.
I mean, I disliked it before, yes, like evey other girl...but now..I'm despising it. Abhorring it. If I could choose more of a hateful word, I would, but I don't know many.

I just want HIPS GONE.

One week, they feel fatless, not fat free, just fatless, and somedays, within the same week, they could feel fatFUL. Like now.

I hate touching them. I hate feeling the FAT in there. Nothing seem to work. first program worked well for me. Low intensity, long duartion.

And once I changed..to sprinting, to jogging, to mixing. It's been the SAME. In fact, I gained some back.

It's like, hips are FAT MAGNET. Not , not as bad as hips.
Is it even possible to get fat in ur hips in ONE DAY?

Funny, is very fine now, and hips are suddenly big? It's like the fat just transfer back & forth in hips and .

I feel like an alien.

Even when b4, long ago, i used to eat junk food 24/7, I didn't have this much fat, where did it suddenly come from?

Isn't there a way to get rid of this fat, once and for all?
Don't say dieting. I swear to god, with BODY, nothing works. nothing.

I'm getting more and more depressed, each day.

Is there anyone out there suffering what I'm suffering with hips?

They make me feel ugly. Very ugly.
And one hip is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay bigger than the other.
I know nothing is 100% exactly the same, but does it mean it's 100% different?! I don't think so, but it is like this with body.

I hate body.
In fact, I hate me.

Sorry, just needed to vent, got no place else.

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 5:11 am

Thank you for your reply. It helps a lot.
I know that everything is not like it seems. Especially with our bodies and all.
It's just that...I feel no matter what, I'll always have big hips, cause I store fat there immediately. It doesn't even take me few meals, just one bad meal does the trick.

It really dperesses me to the extremes, and I'm already a very stressed, not happy person, so I'm more likely to get fatter than a normal person with a normal mental health.

It's just that, It's meat thats starting to tick out. I hate that. A whil back, it didn't stick out at all. After I worked to lose it of course, and now It's sticking out again...and I feel...it wil always be there...NO MATTER HOW MUCH I workout, cause everytime I screw up, I'll get it back.

You'll tell me, why do you keep screwing up? I'll tell you why, because I'm a human being, and have a weakness for certain foods, that I don't even eat every single day.

It's just when they enter body, they go to , and travel around to hips. What a cool trip, isn't?

I don't think anything woulc change about body, cause I'm condemned to live with the way it is for the rest of life, as it is.

Part of me doesnt care about what guys think, part of me does. I'm a girl afterall. I just hate hips, even if I lost hips, I would still have some curves, cause hip area isn't really small itself, although I'm a small frame. Eh...I don't make sense, do I?

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 9:07 am

Since summe began, everything got screwed up.
I was really nagging on mother to go to a gym, but it kept getting delayed, cause it wasn't a priorty for good reasons, not own though.

life style before summer, was very active with university. I didn't use to nap. I wake up early, at 6 am, and sleep at night at a decent time, and it was alright. food was clean mostly, veggies, fruits, lean meats, and few screw up along the line, with ice cream and ceasar salads, and a little fried foods, but this is how it happens. I lost most of hips, I was all good....until summer knocked on door.

First few days I was making up for sleep. I used to workout 6 days a week regulary, AT HOME. I mix cardio between treadmill, and ellptical machine, cause there isn't much else I could do around the house.
cardio consists of; 20-30 minutes workout, high intenisty, some of the time, moderate most of it, nothing tooo "ouchie", and rarely low intensity.
I started out fine. eating habits...

I started falling back, some of the days we ran out of healthy stuff, and had to wait sometime to buy the brown bread, and some of the fruits, and all.

meals were shortned to 4, and one of them is crappy....but I got the jest of it again...and im doing better now, since work started, cause I wake up early.

For muscle training, parents dont listen to me when i tell them i need some equpiments to buy, and im always not heard...so i was getting depressed that im stuck with a 3 kgs dumbells, which don't make me feel good. So muscles working out plan, fallen back, since in uni, we had a gym, the equip, and everything we needed, and for free. It was great.

NOW...the past 2 weeks,
I've gotten depressed...and I've been doing a lot of skipping. I'm still trying to adjut sleep again, and im becoming an insomniac again. So I have hard time staying awake/focused throughout the day, and feel extremely tired.

food, in the past 2 weeks,
I've started eating 6 meals again.
I have to say I'm not eating fruits, cause we don't have what I like to eat...which are only red apple, and pear, and really few other, one or two. more.
I'm eating veggies abouts twice a day, there is a mix of 2-3 veggie combination in one meal.

All meals are fine, as much as I can make them. Like at work, it's hard to get stuff to really eat, so i get with me 2 brown breads(one with lf lebnah and zatar, the other turkey with low fat cottage cheese), and eat each one at sperate times, along with rice cake, or soup.

At home, I eat white rice with grilled chicken + veggies.

The meal that follows (5th), is the crappiest, although it consists of lowfat bad carbs.
I just don't want to eat realy heavy food at this time, and Im a sucker to watching Tv and eating stuff I like

I do this pretty much: Eat a low fat candy, it's fruit rolls, its like only 50 cals, these get used up in no time. And I drink a lowfat coffee milk thing.

I do eat marshamellows at times though, usually fat-free.

These are the usual things I get crappy with, but what effects me is NON OF THIS, because..

the only time I really do see an ugly dif in body, IS WHEN I GO OUT TO A MALL, AND HAVE TO EAT THERE WITH FRIENDS/FAMILY...and we stay for long. 6 hours at times. So thats at least 2 meals.

And it's always the worst choice of place, chilies, uno, burger king, subway...and no matter how much healthy stuff I pick, grilled or whatever, body has this radar thing, when it eats food from outside home, I get a , and suddenly the next day I'm miss fat all over again, cause I'm wehther consipated, or it's just how body works..

I even hate going out now. Everytime friends go out, or someone..I say no. Everytime I go out, I get fat. I hate it.

And I'm depressed now...and not working out. Yesterday I amazingly, pushed myself a bit, and did a high intensity cardio for 15 mins, then did few pushups, sit ups, etc...for 15 more mins.

Cause I already took 3 days off.

*sighs*

I know I'm not eating the best way I should, but when I was in uni, esepcially the last few weeks, I sort of attacked ice cream, caesar salad, and some junk, and didn't gain shit around that time, whether hips or ...

activity is a bit better now, since I go to work, I walk around, go back and forth every once in a while..so I move, but moderately.

That's all.

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Mon Jul 02, 2007 12:48 pm

That's the problem...I cant keep a postive outlook. I'm naturally a negative person, and I dont recall ever being postive about anything entrie life.

I do weight train, but not with equip. A lot had happend, and I wasn't able to find a gym. Now, today, we went looking for some, and found few, better than nothing, and I guess we will start going there sooner or later.

life style needs a lot of explaining, which I'm not really wanting/willing to give details about.

Let's just say, walk/jog outside, is NOT an option for me.

Even going to the gym, isn't going to happen exactly when I want it...so it's really...a complicated thing.

I've been doing some workouts for upperbody/lowerbody, but it hasnt been, and is not the same as going to a gym using dif equips, and all....

trust me..I know all you told me..But honstly, I tried working out with an empty stomache, or have a fruit, and all..it did not work for me. Plus i work now...i wake up at 6 30 am, and leave the house at 7, and get back at 2...so morning workouts is not an option either...

it's very complcaited...trust me...ive been practically depressed, cause i havent gone to a gym, and all, but i tried best to do what I can.

I never used to do pushups, and now I can do five full standrad pushups..and im proud of myself. I couldn't do one, 2 weeks ago..but I'm just depressed theses days...

And getting muscles, hasnt been easy for me ='(.

Thanks for your advice..and im getting all excited again after seeing people at the gym..so tomorrow, im hitting the treadmill again.

steven14791 · Post by **steven14791** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 11:10 am

i sometimes think that about forearms (bit of a change) one day they seem big at a decent size and other like a twig but i belive it takes a stronger person to carry on and do something about it then just sit there and do nothing, what i do for motivation is look at what is wrong with body the then tels me to do something about it, hope this has helped and remeber you can always change.

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 11:28 am

body tells me to starve myself, and become aneroxic, maybe I will look BETTER that way, off the damn fat in hips.

Boss Man · Post by **Boss Man** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 2:13 pm

(Rage) wrote: body tells me to starve myself, and become aneroxic, maybe I will look BETTER that way, off the damn fat in hips.

No you won't, you'll look unwell, and potentially end up at the point where you can'n come back from it and die.

Anorexia when not dealt with properly can lead to death, once the body becomes too far gone, to revrse the damage.

kwithers2000 · Post by **kwithers2000** » Tue Jul 03, 2007 5:46 pm

I hope this forum has helped you. heart goes out to you after reading your post. I hope that you will be able to find a way to make peace with your emotional issues first and foremost. As a woman, you have so much more than body-image to give to the world. Please keep the dialogue going and we wish you all the best!

Boss Man · Post by **Boss Man** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 7:15 am

Exactly right Rage. You probably analyse how you look too much, and don't consider that at 17, you almost certainly have a great future ahead, great job, nice life, and plenty to offer people, and when someone gets too emotionally wrapped up with how they look, I think it can stop people positively seeing other aspects of their lives / future lives.

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 8:57 am

As much as I'd like to agree, and say yes, I will do have a nice life. I know I don't. It's not just talk, it's something I know.

No, I don't have anything to offer the world. I've always been the loser, and always will be. I want one thing that makes me feel that I'm special, but there's nothing. And body status, makes it worse for me.

Since I started working out, I felt i'm more likely to get fat, than before. I remember when I used to not eat, or starve myself unintentionally...I used to be leaner, and skinner, despite the junk food I used to eat.

And WHY now...that I workout, and more active than the years before, and actually EAT REAL HEALTHY FOOD...I'm getting fat when I screw up a bit?

What shall I believe? I don't know.

Yes, working out is good for other reasons..etc..etc...but it put me under a lot of emotional stress I didn't have before. I though it was suppose to work the opposite.

Everything I do, Everything I take...works the opposite for me.

Energy pills makes me more tired.
Eating healthy food + excersize + little screw ups makes me fat, unlike when I used to starve myself, and eat junk food 24/7. I didn't even put a veggie in stomache 6 months ago. I didn't even eat eggs for the past....i dont know 2 years? more? I didn't even workout/was active in any way I can think...and now I'm doing all the stuff I didn't do...and it's working...wrong for me?

I'm just too depressed to how body is. It treats me wrong, I treat it wrong. Or maybe we just have a hate-love relationship. That's how I feel about body.

steven14791 · Post by **steven14791** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:05 am

hey listen, you might not like what im gonna say but i think that you feel sorry for yourself, what you need to do is maybe go out for a day with mates, do what you enjoy, dont be too obssesed with your looks otherwise your brain will begin to tell your yours errors although you have none, the more you think about how bad your body looks the more your brain will belive - even if its not true. Hope i dont sound too hars and you can tell me to shut up or whatever and i sure will, but remeber if you THINK you look ugly then your brain will believe that , even though your proably not

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:08 am

Nope, it wasnt harsh at all. Yeah, I do feel sorry for myself, for all the fucked up thoughts I have in head about myself.
Funny, when I go out, I feel even more depressed. I've been locking myself at home, and don't want to go out anymore.

Everytime I go out...I come back home fat. I mean literally. So, I rather stay home, and eat the food I can control eating, and not get "as fat".

Yeah, I feel really ugly, and that body is even uglier.

steven14791 · Post by **steven14791** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:13 am

why? have you asked yourself why you feel like this, what causes these emotions such as depresion to rise when you go out, it seems like your brain is constantly thinking 24/7 and never relaxes, maybe that is the problem. Or when you go out why not buy food you can control thats what i do, it takes a stronger person to have persistant will power rather than just giving in and thinking there is no point becasue if you give in you will feel terrible afterwards and that it wasnt worth it, instead of locking yourself in try meeting up with some friends and go out, it sounds to me you have a big confidence probelem and one way to overcoem or help is to go someplace like a swiiming pool, and im sure that you will fel better i mean there is always someone who look worst anywhere, right?
But just remeber dont think about it too much and have some time out.

(Rage) · Post by **(Rage)** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:24 am

When we go out, we usually go out to malls...and there is only junk food there, and when we pick food, we always pick same places. It doesnt feel right everybody eats from dif place...and lately i dont feel i have any friends to go out with anyway.

and yeah, i think 24/7..and i wish i can stop..but the more time passes, the more i think i might have ocd or sth when it comes to body. I dont give myself a break. I dont want to, cause I cant.

I mean, I'm just really rally struggling with hips. comes and goes, and I sort of accepted that to a certain point. I just want HIPS OFF.

Well, I guess I'll join a gym, since we found one, and dad wouldn't mind paying....but im afraid ill struggle with the time and all that crap, since we're going as a family, and im an organized freak.

I like to workout at a certain time. Eat at a certain time. Sleep at a certain time. Read at a certain time.

I'm fucked up in more than one way..and there's nothing I can do, cause I'm outta hand.

Yes, there are people who look worse, but there are people who look perfect. Why can't I have something to be proud of?

steven14791 · Post by **steven14791** » Wed Jul 04, 2007 9:28 am

nobody looks perfect - nobody. We all have good qualties about us - its just finding them, going to the gym is really good, yeah it will be hard but if it wasnt everyone would be doing it, and you do have friends you are just blocking them out, let them in and discuss your problem they can help trust me i know, have you tried seeing a doctor becasue if you do have OCD then i think they have advice to help control it.