Starting Fresh :3

[musculArgirl2]

Glad thinks are going well Jena!! if you do get engaged would he move to the usa or you to europe? Or have you not thought that far ahead yet!! animation sounds like such a neat field to get into! i bet they are enjoyable jobs too. Happy that it's going so well for you.

[MissJenaKay]

Firstly, I cannot accept an unnecessary apology from a young Lady, so I must politely decline .

Secondly, CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement if it is indeed that. I'm not going to comment on whether you're too young, or it's too soon in life, as I think if you both have considered it properly and you know exactly how it feels, then you're giving yourselves a really good chance to make it work, when the engagement become an official union, because you'll be doing it for sound, well grounded and sensible reasons.

The main thing is there are changes in your life, that will make a positive difference to you emotionally and that means your ability to focus on your lifestyle and eating requirements, should be better now and hopefully more consistent.

I see many positives in the coming few months for you, based on what you have said and i'm really happy for you, because despite looking like a very cloudy and dark sort of person on the inside, which you have portrayed yourself as sometimes, I know there is a lot of human value and beauty in there too and the more things that can happen to bring the best out of you, the more you benefit and the better off the world becomes.

GOOD LUCK and best wishes .

Thanks, Boss. Haha. We are not engaged quite yet, Bret just wanted to ask father's permission so he could surprise me at some point in the future. I'm glad he asked Dad, I'm sure he was honored to have been spoken to before hand. I know I seem "young" for marriage, and I do agree. I don't plan on marrying until at least after I graduate from Uni.

Another, more negative update though on the "positive" changes as far as Uni goes, school's financial aid office messed up one of loans and I'm now 2500 dollars short over the next two quarters which makes me very nervous about being able to live and also save up to go to Scotland this summer.

I'm not going to let it bring me down though. I'm going to do everything I can to be the best I can be.

Glad thinks are going well Jena!! if you do get engaged would he move to the usa or you to europe? Or have you not thought that far ahead yet!! animation sounds like such a neat field to get into! i bet they are enjoyable jobs too. Happy that it's going so well for you.

Once we're engaged and I'm married, we're planning for me to go to Scotland to be with him. We've been talking about the particulars for a few months now. I mean, I don't feel we're moving too fast because we've known each other for about 8 years and been in love (although not a couple) for 6 at least, so for me, being with him has been a long time coming. I love animating, so I can't wait for it to be career.

[MissJenaKay]

Update, I'm down two pounds since I got back to school. Not much but a lot considering I've only had time to go to the gym once and I haven't been eating well (read: I forget to eat and when I do, I tend to eat pretty crappy food) I've been really busy and I'm incredibly stressed out all the time, but I love it at the same time. I miss Bret like crazy, but I'll get along through this.

[Boss Man]

Just keep believing and be proud of yourself Jena, because you're still hanging on in there and you haven't given up on yourself.

As long as you still believe, you still have a chance of succeeding in the long term.

[MissJenaKay]

Well. I've been doing a really poor job of this whole being healthy thing. I've lost about another six or seven pounds. But guess how? I haven't been eating. It's not that I'm consciously setting out to starve myself. Or at least it didn't start that way. But I don't eat much. I don't even eat every day anymore. I'm volatile and I am so horribly depressed. More than I have been since high school when I was cutting myself and attempting suicide. I don't know what to do. I'm so miserable and heartbroken because of the way I view myself and body and I don't know what to do.

[musculArgirl2]

I can't really talk right now jena but you know things will improve. I thought you were doing really well? I know all about not liking your body right now and with depression too. You've got so much going for you jena! I hope you know that and remember that. . Hugs!!!! And please look at what you have which is a lot!!! You can take action to change your body. Just like we all can. . Your young and you got your whole life ahead of you. Think of what you have!!

[MissJenaKay]

I can't really talk right now jena but you know things will improve. I thought you were doing really well? I know all about not liking your body right now and with depression too. You've got so much going for you jena! I hope you know that and remember that. . Hugs!!!! And please look at what you have which is a lot!!! You can take action to change your body. Just like we all can. . Your young and you got your whole life ahead of you. Think of what you have!!

I was doing okay, but as the quarter went on, I started getting more and more stressed out because I was/am working three jobs with fulltime course load and I have no social life and I end up incredibly overstressed. Because of that, I end up not eating and because of that I end up more stressed :/

[Boss Man]

Don't dispair Jena, because with regards to eating, there are quick and simple options you can take out with you and eat along the way.

Low fat cheese, raw carrot, celery sticks, fruit, including tomatos, packets of peanuts and nuts, oat granolas, yoghurt drinks, bread rolls.

None of those require any preparation or cooking beforehand and you can mix and match them and keep them in a tupperware container in a bag with few personal items.

However if you want other things you can make and eat quickly when you're in a physical location, then things like microwave soups, beans and rice dishes, packet chicken, turkey, ham and beef, or made into sandwiches, toast, bowls of cereal, flaxseeds, yoghurt pots, plus the other things I mentioned, although obviously there's no real point in having a yoghurt pot and a drink together and duplicating.

As for the things you talked about relating to the past, you're not that person anymore, which is a big step forward. You're not someone that is living with as much inner darkness as you used to, hence why you don't mame yourself and consider or even try to encourage finality.

Looking at the picture of you, I see the same person I've always seen, which is a beautiful, beautiful young Lady, that is still struggling at times to let her light out and shine, but you can see in your face, that a person capable of shining and being radient and vibrant does exist, because there have been many times on here, you have shown a great warmth to others and although there is darkness and what you might feel is an ugly facet of your character and personality, the warmth and light still are there, because despite certain happenings and experiences in your past, nothing and nobody has managed to destroy those two wonderful qualities about you.

As long as they remain and you can hold on to them, like you continuously do, then you will always have the potential, to find a way to make them and emotions like them, the dominant forces in your personality.

You deserve to be so incredibly proud of yourself, you wonderful, brilliant person Jena, so proud, that those qualities in you are not things that you have allowed anyone and anything to take away from you completely and they can be built on and become even stronger and used as tools to slowly chisel away at the darker side of you, so such qualities can be displayed more often, when the darkness is less able to take over and control how you act.

I will never stop being amazed that despite it all, you are still here to tell us how you are feeling. You speak from the heart and through darkness comes a beauty in it's own unique way and a way for people to really connect with you, because there is a kind of eloquence to your words, not just a kind of savage, I hate me, I hate life quality to your admissions, you take the time to think about how you tell people how you feel, whether it's dark or sunny or inbetween, as evident by you not posting loads of posts with a few short, angry sounding sentances in them.

I want to send you a BIG HUG, because in spite of everything, I know at heart you are a real sweetheart and when it comes down to it, the darkness cannot completely control you, because that beautiful, endearing side of you, is always there to fight against the negative feelings and emotions sometimes and for all that I know you are and for the fact that in your own way you are still trying to love yourself and make it work, I am emphatically and extremely PROUD OF YOU and I know that one day you'll find the ability to let more of the real you out and be more at ease with yourself and your life.

However, for now, WELL DONE and don't stop being the you that deep down inside you really are, because you're pretty amazing and no matter what you think about yourself, you're someone who can only go on to be more amazing and beautiful with time and there will so often be a time and place for you in life okay .

Chin up, be strong and most importantly keep believing in yourself, because you should try to find even the smallest moments of time right now, to look after yourself more, because you CAN do it and you ARE worth it and please don't be less of a person around here okay, because whatever is going on on any given day, we will support you and give you some of our strength, empathy and understanding.

You're very human in your own way and don't you dare be ashamed or embarrassed for that and don't ever feel like myself or others will change how we feel about you, if you tell us certain things, because nothing is taboo if you don't want it to be and the more you let us understand how you're doing, the more we can care, which is what we want to do .

We'll catch your back sometimes sweetheart okay .

GOOD LUCK

[MissJenaKay]

Boss,
As usual you are one of the most amazing and supportive people I know and thank you so so so much for being so lovely to me even when I may not really deserve it. I'm going to--once I can actually afford to buy groceries, since I quite literally cannot afford to buy any food--get back to actually eating. I just, lately have been having this horrible anxiety about eating, I end up feeling really sick after eating and I get really upset and feel fat and I know that's not healthy or safe.

In better news, I've been working out and it seems to be aleviating depression some, I feel like I'm queen of the universe when I get done working out, so that's definitely a good thing.

Also, I'm currently down to 234, which is down 16.5 down from highest weight! I'm so excited over the progress, although I know I'm most likely going to see a little gain once I get back to actually eating, but I'm prepared for it and I won't let it get me down if it does happen.

[Boss Man]

Keep taking each day at a time and most importantly keep believing in yourself, because you ARE worth it and you DO deserve to be happier in life .

[MissJenaKay]

Hello again, y'all it's been quite a while since I've been on. I have some good news, I'm down to 221lbs. That's about 25 pounds since January and almost 30lbs lower than heaviest. What I'm most impressed by, however, is that I've lost a total of nearly 15inches from body. Most impressive is a 3inch loss on natural waist, 3inches off thighs and a 4inch loss around underbust/ribcage. I'm driving back out to Chicago for Uni in a couple days and I'm looking forward to making final two quarters at University be healthiest and most productive, I'll try to remember to check in more often. I'm most likely going to quit one of jobs to free myself up some time to go to the gym and to give myself some breathing room to avoid becoming overstressed while working on senior thesis film. I've also decided I will make a better effort to actually eat, I'm also cutting incredibly expensive coffee habit and I'm not going to allow myself to buy a single packet of fags this year, I will find healthier ways to deal with stress than lighting one up (I've never been a habitual smoker, I just smoke when I get bored or really stressed.)

[musculArgirl2]

Nice to see you again Jena! congrats on the weightloss!

[Boss Man]

I'm really proud of you Jena, WELL DONE

[MissJenaKay]

Just checking in. I've been here at school for a couple weeks now and I've lost maybe another pound. However, I have kept promise on cigarettes and coffee. I haven't had a single fag and I haven't had any coffee. I've been going to the gym at least 2-3 times a week. I do Zumba and Quick Crunch on Sundays, Body Blitz on Tuesday evenings, and I try to make sure I go and elliptical at least one of the other days. I'm trying to keep myself motivated because I don't feel well here. I suffer from depression so much worse at school and so I just feel worse in general. I never want to go to the gym and I just generally feel sad and lethargic. But I'm trying. I'll keep posting. I'll try to comment once a week. Also, I've been under eating again. Pretty badly... There have only been 3 days since I've come back to school that I've had even 1000 calories, let alone enough to get a net calorie count over 1000. I'm going to try to keep working hard and I'm going to try to eat enough to sustain body since I know I'm probably not seeing results because I'm under eating...

[Boss Man]

The main thing is recogninsing what might be done to change things. The undereating will play a part of in stalled weight loss definitely, but think of things as a three step process.

1. Recognising the need for change.

2. Working out what needs to change.

3. implementing change.

You can continue to progress if you keep believing in yourself and recognising your own self worth, because you ARE worth it .